May, 2010 Archives


The Election

by thegooddoctor in 100 Words

Charlton Heston chewed through debates like a drunk cow gnaws at grass.

“Not only did I play Moses, but I could win this election with a camel as a running mate.”

Afterwards, he was asked to clarify. “No, I’m not speaking metaphorically. An honest to God live camel. I’ve got one on the ranch, and if it isn’t more fit to govern than my opponent, then this cow’s had too much vodka.”

Only after the election did the voting populace realize Charlton Heston had died in 2008. And that’s the story of how a camel became President of the United States.


Kindergarten Physicist

by thegooddoctor in 100 Words

Sir Isaac Newton had once again allowed his anger to get the better of him. For punching Lord Chesterfield in the stomach, he was sentenced to 9 months of forced servitude at the Trinity College Kindergarten of Cambridge.

As a man of science, Newton could think of nothing more unscientific then children, and life at the kindergarten proved unbearable. Most of his time was spent teaching the guttersnipes how to stack blocks in a geometrically pleasing manner, an activity which their infantile brains proved incapable of comprehending.

He would always refer to this period as his descent into the dark ages.


Reldresal The Giant Killer

by thegooddoctor in 100 Words

Reldresal, the giant killler, was famous among his people. He slayed every giant that stood before him. His hunting expeditions usually involved a tremendous amount of Earth shaking, what with all the giant slaying.

But not enough giants invaded for Reldresal’s taste. He dreamed of an entire country peopled with nothing but giants.

He petitioned the emperor to outfit his voyage. He would return to Lilliput with a trail of giant heads as long as the ocean.

Redresal’s fame as a giant killer never reached America. His ship was swallowed by a bluefin tuna somewhere off the coast of Hawaii.


Mean Philosophers

by thegooddoctor in 100 Words

Socrates Johnson hated almost everything about high school. The long winded teachers more interested in test scores than true knowledge. The jocks who would bully him for being too smart. Graduation could not come fast enough.

Only one person made school palatable. The young Alcibiades, with his famous matriarch, polished oratorical skills and handsome demeanor, was among the most popular boys. No one could understand why the future statesman spent so much of his time with the ill-favored Socrates.

In the end, Socrates and Alcibiades found themselves with broken hearts. The hottest love, as they say, has the coldest end.


An Undisclosed Location

by thegooddoctor in 100 Words

Deep in the bowels of the Capitol, hidden in a shadowy maze of archives rooms and utility closets, there is a locked door. Most the Senators have never even dreamed of its existence. It is an undisclosed location.

Behind this locked door, a dragon sleeps. She is a decrepit old wyrm, fully withdrawn from the world of humanity. She is the mother of evil. She remembers the dawn of the world the way we remember breakfast.

Every six months, in this room, Dick Cheney comes to die. And every six months, in this room, a new Dick Cheney is born.


Moby Dick; Or, The Rabbit

by thegooddoctor in 100 Words

Some said we merely followed orders. Others, the whims of a madman. I knew we chased a ghost.

We followed down the hole, and past that infernal tea party. We would circle around perdition’s flames before he would give him up.

It was Ahab’s singular obsession. To forever pursue the white rabbit that had trespassed onto his vegetable patch one autumn night so many years ago.

We heard him rant from the back of our carriage deep into the night.

“From hell’s heart I stab at thee; for hate’s sake I spit my last breath at thee. Ye damned rabbit.”


Scooby Doo, Where Art Thou!

by thegooddoctor in 100 Words

Fred: Forsooth, the mystery’s unveiled
and the truth may be inveighed
that which proclaims your guilt
is the spot of blood on your hilt

Old Man: The fault, dear kids, lies not with my stars
nor with any lack of resolve in my felonious arts,
but in your mysterious machine you came peddling
and in solving this crime have proven sorely meddling

Exuent Old Man

Shaggy: The mystery’s resolved
and all danger dissolved
after so much hue and cry
it’s time the Great Dane and I
despite being two such mindless ‘tards
at last receive our just and due rewards.


Tom Sawyer, Huckleberry Finn, And The Founding Of The Republican Party

by thegooddoctor in 100 Words

It was their greatest adventure, convincing voters the best way to preserve the Union was electing two barely literate twelve-year olds from Missouri to the White House.

Their first order of business was war with Canada. “We never liked them Frenchies anyway,” Sawyer later said.

Next was enacting a mandatory deeducation law. According to Finn, “The principates of this here place we call America had best allow young people to be free on all days, not just Saturday.”

When Aunt Polly found them out, they got the worst beatings of their lives. A second term was out of the question.


Bunny’s Big Day

by thegooddoctor in 100 Words

Bunny hopped across the lawn. He stopped and wrinkled his button nose. His ears twitched with excitement. He smelled carrots.

He was next to Farmer Brown’s garden. Certainly Bunny was entitled to a few carrots. He had after all placed all of the farm’s liquidated assets into an offshore account in the Cayman Islands for a dummy corporation, where it was insulated from the IRS. Bunny had saved Farmer Brown’s entire plantation from immediate foreclosure.

Bunny wriggled under the fence, then hopped across the garden. He ate two carrots, wrinkling his button nose in delight. Carrots were his favorite food



by thegooddoctor in News

I’m on vacation in Beijing this week, so 100 words is interrupting Mashup month to post some stories that have been languishing in the pipeline. Enjoy!