April, 2010 Archives


The Face That Launched A Thousand Ships

by thegooddoctor in 100 Words

On July 24, 1914, a disenchanted Will Schutz, filled with animosity towards Napoleon III, defenestrated him from the top of Prague’s Town Hall. This led Joan of Arc to rally the Huguenot forces and lay siege to the proud city of Ilium.

Joan, due to a congenital defect, was born with snakes instead of hair, and a visage so awful to behold that men were forced to do her awful bidding, thus saddling her with the moniker of the Face That Launched a Thousand Ships.

Needless to say, these ships were targeted by German U-boats and sunk almost immediately.

The End.

From Guest Contributor, Boris Gump


The Weight Of A Thigh

by thegooddoctor in 100 Words

King Henry was becoming impatient. He always got cranky before his afternoon nap.

“Are we quite finished yet?”

“Almost, your Majesty. We just have one more.”

“For Chrissakes! More? We’ve done the inch, and the foot, and the yard. What else bloody is there?”

“We just need to weigh your royal right thigh.”

“My thigh? What’s this going to measure?”

“Well, it defines the exact weight less than which you cannot trust a woman.”

“Oh, yes. Very true. Carry on.”

Thanks to Henry I and his new system of standard measurements, the British kingdom entered a golden age of prosperity.


The Boy Scouts Of America Guide To Making New Friends

by thegooddoctor in 100 Words

Making friends is easy. Just follow these easy steps:

Shake hands with your potential new friend firmly. Always look him directly in the eye.

If you are nervous, chew gum. You don’t want to bite or lick your new friend because your mouth had nothing to do.

Find a shared interest with your new friend. Talk about your favorite sports team, cars or girls.

Do not touch your new friend inappropriately. The Boy Scouts of America is opposed to inappropriate contact, especially between minors.

Now that you have made a new friend, plan an activity together.

Remember, no inappropriate contact.


It’s A Dark World Full Of Idiots

by thegooddoctor in 100 Words

The police raided the warehouse completely unprepared. No one thought an otter smuggling ring could amount to much. Just something to clean up before the eco-nuts got on their asses.

20 year veterans found themselves vomiting in their hats. The nightmares would linger for months.

The otters were not being smuggled to make fur coats or dog food. They were being skinned alive and fed to Russian babies on the adoption market. Apparently, otter flesh gives them a bright sheen that is more attractive to prospective mothers. 70% of the babies die within six months.

It’s a dark world full of idiots.


The King’s Club

by thegooddoctor in 100 Words

The last thing you need when you’re a new king is the old king looking over your shoulder. Sure, a lot of kings die of old age, or are poisoned, but some simply abdicate because they’re ready for some peace and quiet.

And that’s why we opened the King’s Club, a top flight, luxury facility where former kings are treated as the royalty they used to be. When monarchs retire to the King’s Club, they are fully fed, dressed, washed and groomed. We do everything we can to keep them distracted.

And if that doesn’t work, there’s always poison, right?


A Neo-Classical Analysis Of The Effect Of Reactionary Governments During Post-Napoleonic Pre-Imperial Fiji

by thegooddoctor in 100 Words

When Queen Vicotria was young, God demanded she wage a land war in Asia. The Bolsheviks used the opportunity to sell France’s entire population to Thomas Jefferson

However, the House of Lords rebelled and, after holding court at a cricket match, they decided to excommunicate Francis Bacon.

This caused some confusion as Bacon, thinking he was already excommunicated, had established the Church of England, married six wives, and moved to Utah.

The bull of excommunication, meanwhile, had gone astray and reached Francis of Assisi, who, released from Catholicism, approved the first mass publication of his heliocentric galaxy theory

The end.

From Guest Contributor, Boris Gump


Tag, You’re Dead

by thegooddoctor in 100 Words

His eyes spoke carefully, were impossible to read, and made me ill at ease. He flashed his badge, hoping to provoke a reaction.

“May I come in, Mr. Collins?” he asked.


After a smattering of ill-fitting pleasantries, he got to the point.

“Your 100 words blog, it’s interesting, the most popular tag is murder.”

“Murder fascinates me. In the theoretical sense.”

“And, as you know, six residents in the neighborhood have been murdered in the last three months. All in precisely the same fashion as depicted in your stories.”

“Unfortunately, for your sake, that number will be seven after tonight.”



by thegooddoctor in 100 Words

Alan Alanwich hated stockholder meetings. “We all know in the current economy, it’s necessary to enter new markets. And in a market as nascent as this one, we are literally building from scratch.”

Mr. Stubbs, the shareholders representative, continued to press the issue. “I didn’t travel all this way for excuses. We are behind on our projections. If you can’t return the company to profitability, perhaps it’s time for new leadership.”

Alanwich had heard enough. “This is my company.”

“The company belongs to its shareholders.”

“You do realize we are on the moon.”

“There you go with your excuses again.”


An Epic Battle Of Wills

by thegooddoctor in 100 Words

It was an epic battle of wills.

They tested each other beyond endurance to see who would yield first. One was content not to move. The other content not to push. It was the opposite of the irresistible force versus the immovable object.

There was no end in sight. Nary a blink nor a whisper. It was, to the untrained observer, as if neither knew of the other’s existence.

“I told you, if you don’t finish your dinner, you can’t leave the table.”

“And I told you, Mother, that I would rather die than eat any more of this broccoli.”


The Seafarer’s Guild

by thegooddoctor in 100 Words

The Seafarer’s Guild had very few requirements. Even the worst rapscallions and scalawags gained admittance for the right amount of gold. It got to the point that Sir Francis Drake, seeking to protect what was left of his good name, withdrew his membership rather than be associated with the Guild any longer.

Calico Jack had no such compunction. Moral qualms were a disorder for weak men fearful of Hell. Jack figured no Hell could be worse than the Hell of the high seas.

It was not long after Jack’s death that the Seafarer’s Guild began requiring a thorough background check.