May, 2010 Archives
May
The Mad Hatter Goes To Parliament
by thegooddoctor in 100 Words
When the announcement was made, we took it as a joke. Surely, no one in their right mind would have voted the Mad Hatter a member of Parliament.
“You are not right in the head,” proclaimed the Hatter.
“Then off with our heads,” laughed the crowd.
The beheadings started soon thereafter. Tea Parties became a national affair, and the national coffers were quickly emptied to pay for wine and biscuits.
“But there is no wine and biscuits,” cried the people.
“I have been turned into a scape goat,” lamented the hatter.
And he produced a goat to prove his case.
May
Banner In Wonderland
by thegooddoctor in 100 Words
Wonderland had an open door policy for precocious girls and white rabbits, and the occasional opium rattled mathematician slipped through, but for anyone else, you needed a special invitation from the Queen herself.
After last Tuesday’s devastation, fingers immediately started pointing in multiple directions at once. An inquiry was to be held, and the Mad Hatter was arranging everything himself.
“When I say time, you must hold the inquiry,” ordered the Hatter.
“How can I hold an inquiry when I haven’t any hands,” demanded the Cheshire Cat.
“Use your teeth. Someone must be punished for allowing Dr. Banner into Wonderland.”
May
The Q Train
by thegooddoctor in 100 Words
Dear Diary,
Carson Daly dresses exactly like a fashion magazine, and doesn’t realize that makes him look like a caricature of himself. His vanity is exceeded only by his irrelevance.
Ayn Rand is scared to look anyone in the eye. She fears eye contact will reveal how much she holds us in deep disdain.
The woman in that ad behind her has the perfect body. I find that ironic.
Jackson Pollock hustles at the same spot every Monday morning, having spent all of his cash on the weekend.
All of them are riding the Q train with me right now.
May
Apocrypha Of Natural History – Act I
by profadamworth in 100 Words
The Museum of Natural History is closed. In exhibition halls, the deposed kings of the earth hold eyeless court over rooms emptied of all visitors. All visitors save the Thief. Quickly passing through Pleistocene and Cambrian periods, the Thief opens a utility closet. Behind mops and brooms is another, older, door.
Stay out late enough and you’ll hear the wisps of whispers as bold men speculate on the apocrypha of natural history. They say the Historians have protected their version of nature. Somewhere, they’ve hidden the artifacts and evidences of the world that contradicts them.
The Thief opens the door.
May
Statler And Waldorf’s Bogus Journey
by thegooddoctor in 100 Words
“Welcome to Hell, boys.”
The two old men took a gander at their new home.
“This place is wonderful.”
“Bravo.”
“I love it.”
“This is great!”
The sweat started to stream down their temples.
“Well, it’s pretty good.”
“Well, it isn’t bad.”
“There are parts of it that aren’t very good though.”
“It could be a lot better.”
The eternal torment begins.
“I don’t really like it.”
“It’s pretty terrible.”
“It’s bad.”
“It’s awful!”
“It’s terrible!”
“Get us out of here.”
“Boo!”
“I know it’s too late now, but I have so many regrets about how we lived our lives.”
May
Moses – Vampire Hunter
by profadamworth in 100 Words
“Now the Pharaoh would send agents, unclean and bearing the Mark of Cain, into my people?”
Although Moses addressed Ramses directly, the High Priest answered.
“This mark?” The priest pulled back his vestment to reveal the two dots. “Yes, we serve the God-King. For your disloyalty to him, you’ll witness the seas stained red – with Hebrew blood!”
With a series of violent involutions, the priest attacked. Moses threw up his arm, casting a serpent from his robe. It straightened in midair and solidified into an oaken staff, impaling the priest’s blasphemous heart.
“Behold – the will of the Lord.”
May
The Jedi Bride
by thegooddoctor in 100 Words
The chase came to a sudden end when the Dark Lord found himself cornered.
“My name is Luke Skywalker. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”
Light sabers flashed. Young Skywalker struck the Dark Lord’s shoulder.
“My name is Luke Skywalker. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”
With all his foul tricks exhausted, the Dark Lord succumbed to his younger adversary, screaming in pain as his hand was severed from his arm.
“My name is Luke Skywalker. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”
“Obi-wan never told you what happened to your father. Luke, I am your father.”
“Noooooooooo!”
May
Cinco De Mayo
by thegooddoctor in 100 Words
Don Quixote died a martyr.
General Ignacio Zaragoza Seguín selected me to cross the great Ocean, and plead with the inimitable one to travel to Mexico and war against our French oppressors.
The first sign of trouble came when we boarded our ship. It was a small merchant vessel. He referred to it as the Armada.
The day of the battle he refused a musket. He charged into the fray on his dusty nag, with nothing more than a tin sword. He was trampled to death by a herd of sheep he mistook for dragons.
But Mexico was free.
May
Who’s The Boss
by profadamworth in 100 Words
“I’ll answer your questions if you like, and it’s true that you now have all eternity to ask them, but my schedule tends to fill up fairly fast. Are you sure this is the most pressing thing you’d like to discuss?”
“This definitely needs to be addressed first.”
“Very well. Simply – this is the Divine Form.”
“You’re aware there’s someone else who looks just-”
“It was not someone else. I visited for a time, though I did not make my Presence known.”
“Oh. So… did Jesus also look like Tony Danza?”
May
Fear The Germans, Even Those Bearing Gifts
by thegooddoctor in 100 Words
Their hiding place had been unassailable throughout the war. The Germans tried everything, from those damned German Shepherds to the Brandenburg Commando units, but all the efforts to draw out the Franks proved in vain.
And then, one day, the enemy withdrew. Lacking any contact with the outside world, the Franks wondered if the war was over, or if this was another German trick.
After several weeks, Anne poked her head from their sanctuary. She saw no sign of the Germans. Just a giant wooden horse left behind as a gift. It was a time for celebration. Victory was theirs.