Selena leaned against her wounded soldier of a car as Stan Brandanowitz stepped from his Cadillac and walked over to her. He was the reason she’d left and the last person on Earth she wanted to see.

Stan stopped just as he was about to light his cigarette. Mentioning Richard had probably been a mistake.

Part Two

Her car broke down on the longest stretch of highway in the middle of nowhere. Selena popped the hood and even her rudimentary knowledge was enough to diagnose an overheated engine. It had been hours since she’d seen another vehicle.

As the black Cadillac pulled up beside her, she wondered if she could trade the water and money for just a pinch of good fortune.

Part One

The students were blindfolded as they entered the arena, and the roaring crowd left them nearly deaf as well. When the bell sounded indicating they were allowed to uncover their eyes, they found an array of weapons waiting for them.

Not many people realize that Julius Caesar first sprang to fame as a winner on Rome’s most popular reality show, Juvenile Gladiators.

The chameleon’s evolutionary advantage lies in its ability to blend in with its surroundings. Whether it’s in order to hunt prey or avoid being hunted, I’m not too sure. I’m not much of a scientist. I don’t even know if chameleons are herbivores or eat insects.

Thinking about lizards makes me glad I’m a vegetarian. And thinking about bacon makes me glad it’s a vegetable because bacon is my favorite food.

Jesus converted water into wine. It’s true. It’s in the Bible. I don’t know if the wine was any good. I mean, did he properly age the wine as part of the miracle, or did it taste way too new? Does it really even matter? I hear even experts can’t tell the difference in blind taste tests.

In any case, it’s my god-given right to drink and get behind the wheel of my American-made Chevy truck, so I’d advise you to step back into your vehicle, officer, or I might be forced to explain the second amendment to you next.

They descended from the north in what was now known to be an annual migration. They infiltrated homes and attacked numerous places of business and seemed to be standing on every street corner. There was no escape.

When they finally retreated to their Arctic home, they left behind nearly total devastation. Their ritualistic sacrifice of baby Jesus was the worst part of all.

I’m not one to hold grudges but there are some things you can’t forgive. First it was the constant stare-downs. I wanted to stab a spear clear through him, just to make him go away for even a second. I would close my eyes, but I knew he was still there, judging and taunting. He’d mock me daily according to some fucked-up schedule of his. I’d had enough.

That’s why I started this war with the moon, a war that won’t end until one of us has been ripped from his orbit and flung into the far reaches of space.

Yesterday was election day. I went to the local high school to vote, but I was denied by one of the polling volunteers. I’d remembered to bring two forms of ID as well as a copy of my voter registration card, just in case the new voting laws made it necessary. When she still said no, I started to get slightly upset.

She claimed it had something to do with the string of severed ears I was wearing around my neck, but I’m pretty sure America stills allows for freedom of religion, so I don’t know what her deal was.

The gods gathered on Mt. Olympus for an important meeting. Grand Targhee, the Titan responsible for holding up the Earth, was threatening to go on strike. Some of the more warlike gods favored a quick and violent response, but the others wanted to consider his reasons.

After hearing his complaints, the gods agreed to annihilate Grand Targhee. The task of holding up the earth passed on to Arthur Leibowitz of Albany, New York.