A Hero Among Primates

In a look at the not so recent news, have you seen this story from Ohio about a rampage of escaped zoo animals?

Can you imagine? 50 wild animals, most of them dangerous carnivores, roaming through the local community. The only thing stopping total animal-on-man carnage is a crack team of Barney Fifes on a shooting spree. It must have been their dream come true to have their chance at bagging some African game.

Amidst this Doolittlean blood bath, one monkey is the sole survivor. This hardy primate, stricken with Hepatitis B, somehow managed to elude all predators, whether man or jungle cat, and is now officially classified as a fate unknown. He ranks right up there with Amelia Earhart or Adolph Hitler as far as mysterious demises go.

Now mind you, nowhere in the article does it explain how this poor little monkey contracted Hep B. Was he a naughty monkey, the kind that liked to sleep around and have unprotected sex? Was he the victim of macabre experiments by his demented, mad scientist owner, who finally bowed down to the weight of his guilt and killed himself? We’ll never know, because that’s the kind of journalists they are at Fox News*

I’d like to think that little monkey is still out there someplace, leading his monkey life, doing his monkey thing. Maybe he found a gig as an organ grinder. Or perhaps he’s doing commercial work for Career Builder.

Because when you think about it, it’s probably the best excuse I could give my wife for why my doctor just diagnosed me with Hepatitis B.

*Fox News: “We’re not in the answering questions business.”

Please Note, No animals were harmed in the writing of this blog post.

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