True Facts About Diamonds

Diamonds are by far the most powerful force for truth and beauty in the known universe. So on Christmas Eve, what better way to celebrate the birth of Jesus than by learning some true facts about diamonds.

The word diamond comes from ancient Greek, adámas, meaning stubborn or immovable, as in Achilles was adamant that Agamemnon was a bastard. I don’t know what this has to do with diamonds, but language is stupid sometimes. I mean look at the word Xiphoid. Or Gonad.

Diamonds are formed in one of two ways. Most natural diamonds are formed at high-pressure high-temperature conditions existing at depths of 140 to 190 kilometers (87 to 120 mi) in the Earth mantle. Carbon-containing minerals provide the carbon source, and the growth occurs over periods from 1 billion to 3.3 billion years (25% to 75% of the age of the Earth). Diamonds are brought close to the Earth surface through deep volcanic eruptions by a magma, which cools into igneous rocks known as kimberlites and lamproites.

Diamonds can also be formed by Superman’s bare hands.*

People often wonder why diamonds are used in wedding rings. They surmise it’s because they are unbreakable, just like their love for each other. This is obviously not true, because diamonds are not unbreakable, nor is their love. No, it’s because diamonds are white, which represents purity. And women are pure**. That is why Jesus was born to his baby mama, Mary. Only a pure, uncontaminated vessel could have given birth to the one true God.

Anyway, wearing a wedding ring signifies that you are the property of your husband. This is yet another reason why diamonds kick ass.

Despite its use in the titles of most of the films of the series, the “Pink Panther” is not the Clouseau character, but a large and valuable fictitious pink diamond of the same name which is the “MacGuffin” of the first film in the series. The phrase reappears in the title of the fourth film, The Return of the Pink Panther, in which the theft of the diamond is again the center of the plot; that film also marked the return of Sellers to the role after a gap of ten years, which may have contributed to some confusion between the character and the diamond. The phrase has been used for all the subsequent films in the series, even when the jewel does not figure into the plot. Pretty awesome you guys!

Fiona Apple has this to say about diamonds:

I don’t understand about
Diamonds and why men buy them
What’s so impressive about a diamond
Except the mining

Fiona Apple is not a pure vessel and never could have given birth to baby Jesus.

Please Note: This blog post can cut through glass

*Superman is still lame and Batman totally kicked his ass in The Dark Knight Returns.

**As long as they are still virgins

Check out Decater's new novel, available now at Amazon. Plus, don't forget his earlier books: Ahab's Adventures in Wonderland and Picasso Painted Dinosaurs.