The Most Wrathful Gods

People are always coming up to me and asking who would win if the gods got into a brawl. Just because I took a theology class in college, it doesn’t make me an expert on the fighting abilities of the various deities. But in order to earn myself some peace, I went ahead and created a demiurge battle simulator, able to replicate the various attributes of the divine beings of your choice, and determine who would come out the victor.

As a scientific control, I also used Rocky Balboa in the simulation.

Here are the results:

#9 Huitzilopochtli

Wrathful Acts: He can shine so brightly that no one dares to look at him. Before he was born, he learned that his sister planned to kill his mother. He sprang forth from the womb fully developed and killed his sister and 500 of his brothers. He tossed his sister’s head into the sky, and she became the moon. His brothers became the stars. Also, his left hand is a hummingbird.

#8 Sekhmet

Wrathful Acts: Destroys enemies of the pharaoh with arrows of fire. Her body shines as bright as the midday sun (I’m noticing a trend here). Death and destruction are a balm for her warrior’s heart and the hot desert winds are her breath. Almost destroyed humanity, except she got too drunk to finish the deed.

#7 Vishnu

Wrathful Acts: Possesses the power to know about all beings simultaneously, unchallenged rule over all, the capacity to make the impossible possible, the capacity to support everything by will and without any fatigue, the power to retain immateriality as the supreme being in spite of being the material cause of mutable creations, and the capacity to overpower everything with his spiritual effulgence.*

#6 Rocky Balboa

Wrathful Acts: Balboa fights as a southpaw. He possesses the qualities of an inside fighter, brawler, and swarmer. He advances quickly upon his opponents, driving them into the ropes in order to attack the body. He is also renowned for his remarkable chin and heart, capable of absorbing a multitude of even the hardest hits without falling — an attribute he often employs on purpose to wear down his opponents, sacrificing defensive strategy to land his own punches. He boasts the most devastating body attack, breaking Ivan Drago’s ribs and causing internal bleeding in Apollo Creed. The shortest heavy weight champion of the world. Twice.

#5 Guanyin

Wrathful Acts: The Bodhisattva is deceptively associated with compassion and mercy. She has 1000 arms with which she attempts to prevent souls from being reincarnated. When Monkey attacked heaven, and none of the gods were able to stop him, she took a mountain and placed it on top of him.

#4 Thor

Wrathful Acts: So frightening that giants literally wet themselves when he appears before him. He throws giants into the ocean, he slays giants with his hammer, he wrestles giants a hundred at a time. He breaks the backs of giant children, and he kills giants while wearing a wedding dress. Basically, if you are a giant, stay away from Thor.

#3 Zeus

Wrathful Acts: Enjoys tricking women to sleep with him, disguised as different animals. If you see your wife or daughter or female friend talking to an animal, this is probably Zeus. Also, he likes to rain lightning bolts on the people from up high.

#2 God

Wrathful Acts: We are of course talking about the Old Testament version of the one, true God. You definitely do not want to piss him off. God killed 70,000 innocent people because David ordered a census of the people.  God also commanded the destruction of 60 cities so that the Israelites could live there.  He ordered the killing of all the men, women, and children of each city, and the looting of all of value.  He ordered another attack and the killing of “all the living creatures of the city: men and women, young, and old, as well as oxen sheep, and asses.” That’s right, even the asses. And don’t make the mistake of being too pious. He will murder your family, strip you of your possessions, inflict disease upon you, and in every way ruin your life, all to settle a bet with Satan. In total God has killed 371,186 people directly and ordered another 1,862,265 people murdered. And this from a merciful god.

#1 Odin

Wrathful Acts: His very name means fury. One throw of his spear starts an entire war. He created the Earth from the bones of a slain giant. Wednesday is named after him, widely acknowledged as the longest and most interminable of days.

*I assume this means his semen.

Check out Decater's new novel, available now at Amazon. Plus, don't forget his earlier books: Ahab's Adventures in Wonderland and Picasso Painted Dinosaurs.