I Totally Ate A Banana

This afternoon, I totally ate a banana that was sitting on my desk. I mean, I fucking ate it. You might have seen someone eat a banana before. Perhaps you’ve even eaten a banana yourself. But never have you seen a banana get eaten the way I ate this banana.

Seriously, if someone compiled a list of the top five occasions a banana has been eaten, this afternoon would be number one on the list. I mean, that banana is fucking gone. Monkeys can only dream about eating a banana the way I ate this one.

You know what’s ironic? I don’t even like bananas that much. It’s not like I’m a professional. When it comes to eating bananas, I don’t really have that much experience. But when I was eating this banana, it was like I went into the zone. There was no way I wasn’t going to totally eat that banana. It was like I was Hitler, and that banana was the nation of Israel, and Hitler had invented a time machine, and traveled into the future, and saw fucking Israel sitting on his desk.*

In a sad kind of way, I feel like I’ve peaked a little early. I mean, there’s no way I’m ever going to eat a banana as well as I ate that banana today. It kind of hits you hard when you know life is on the down slope, if you know what I mean.

But hey, what are you going to do? That’s life. At least I know that for a few seconds I was the best at something.

*The only problem with this analogy is that it has been well documented that Hitler did not eat bananas.

Check out Decater's new novel, available now at Amazon. Plus, don't forget his earlier books: Ahab's Adventures in Wonderland and Picasso Painted Dinosaurs.