The Complete Guide To Cool

Everyone wants to be cool. Unfortunately, the nature of coolness means only a few special people can ever be successful. Some people just have it. Others never will.

James Dean had it. John Travolta had it, then he lost it, then he got it back. Now he’s lost it forever. Some people thought the punk movement was cool. Now those people are probably so far from cool that they can’t even remember what it meant to be cool in the first place. They probably look at hipsters* and wonder, “Wow, how come they get to be cool and I have to work this office job and worry about mortgage payments and why did I ever agree to have children, that was definitely the worst mistake of my life.”

I always wanted to be cool. Then I watched the movie Get Shorty. John Travolta (during his cool phase) goes to a movie by himself. I would never have gone to a movie by myself. I was mortally afraid of being seen as uncool. That is why John Travolta was cool, and I was not.

Being cool means going to a movie by yourself, because who gives a fuck?

So how can you be cool? Well, The Chaos Factory has this very easy to follow, five-step guide to coolness.

Step 1

Buy expensive clothes that look like they came from a thrift store. The more casual you can appear in your attire, the better. Plenty of boutique shops and high-end vintage stores offer retro-look clothing that will fool people into thinking that you bought them at an actual thrift store.

Pro Tip: Don’t actually wear inexpensive clothes from a thrift shop unless you are an expert. You will probably come off looking like a hobo. And unless that’s a hobo with a shotgun, you will not be cool.

Step 2

Hang around with gays and lesbians. They know how to be cool. They spent their entire youth being ostracized for their sexual orientation. They had to learn how not to give a fuck what people thought about them. By definition, pretty much anything they do is cool. If you are a guy, befriend some lesbians. If you are a woman, find a gay man who will be your gay husband. You will instantly be way cooler just by association.

Pro Tip: Stay away from the bisexuals because they will become attracted to you and way too clingy. As we all know, clingy isn’t cool.

Step 3

Listen to bands that no one has ever heard of. Secretly, everyone worries that other people are cooler than they are. If you can introduce brand new music to people, they will assume that it must be cool. As soon as your new band becomes popular, dump them for something new that no one has heard of. Better yet, rediscover some pre-eighties music that no one remembers. The older, the better.

Pro Tip: If you are white, start listening to old school hip-hop. If you’re black, let everyone know you are really into classic bluegrass. If you’re biracial, the Carolina Chocolate Drops have you covered.**

Step 4

Go analogue. Digital has been played out. Buy a film camera, better yet a polaroid. Get an old super 8. Pull out your old cassette tapes. You can never stay cool buying the newest gadgets because someone else will always have something newer. Instead, try going the other direction.

Pro Tip: Combine steps 2, 3, and 4 and find some old seventies dance music that your gay friends recommend.

Step 5

Completely ignore how other people look at you. The only true way to be cool is to not care what anyone else thinks. That’s the real definition of cool.

Pro Tip: Get people to mimic your new style. The more followers you have, the more cool you will seem. Except you can’t have too many followers, because then you won’t be cool anymore.

That’s it. Follow these five steps, and you’ll be as cool as Nicholas Cage thinks Steve McQueen is.

Please Note, the fact you are reading this blog probably implies you came here hoping to learn how to be cool. It is therefore highly unlikely that you will ever be cool.

*Irony alert. Hipsters are not cool.

**Though if you are biracial, it’s nearly impossible not to be cool. Lenny Kravitz anyone?