This Is Your Secret Sauce

Some people might suggest that Adolf is the worst name. Who wants to be named after Hitler, am I right? But the name itself is not the problem. It’s more correct to say that Hitler was the worst person, therefore no one wants to be his namesake.

When it comes to names in and of themselves, there can be no debate about what name is the worst. I mean, how can people still be naming babies Carl? Are people having so many babies that they are running out of names? How many times are people having the following conversation:

Well, it’s either Carl, or Adolf.

I guess it has to be Carl, may God have mercy on his soul.

And is there a worse fast food restaurant than Carl Jr? White Castle is better. Jollybee is better. Anything is better than Carl Jr. With that in mind, I am now going to reveal the top secret recipe to Carl Jr’s flame-broiled Famous Star:

1 sesame-seed hamburger bun
2 onion rings
1/2 teaspon sweet pickle relish
1 1/2 teaspoons catsup
1/4 pound ground beef
Dash salt
2 teaspoon mayonnaise
3 dill pickle slices
1/4 cup coarsley chopped lettuce
2 tomato slices

1. Preheat a clean barbecue grill on high. (The cleaner the barbecue, the less likely the beef patty will pick up other flavors left on the grill.)
2. Toast both halves of the bun, face down, in a skillet over medium heat. Set aside.
3. Cut each of the onion rings into quarters.
4. Mix the catsup and relish together. This is your secret sauce.
5. Form the ground beef into a thin patty slightly larger than the bun.
6. Grill the meat for 2 or 3 minutes per side. Salt lightly.
7. Build the burger in the following stacking order from the bottom up:

• bottom bun
• half of the mayonnaise
• pickles
• lettuce
• tomato slices
• onion
• beef patty
• remainder of mayonnaise
• special sauce (catsup and relish)
• top bun

When the lawsuits start rolling in, I hope I can count on your support.

Please Note, the previous recipe is not in any way vegan

Check out Decater's new novel, available now at Amazon. Plus, don't forget his earlier books: Ahab's Adventures in Wonderland and Picasso Painted Dinosaurs.