I Want To Be A Paladin

I just recently learned that Wizards of the Coast is initiating another money grab with a new edition of its popular role playing game Dungeons & Dragons. For those of you who have never played*, it’s a game where you dress up like Orcs and throw weirdly shaped dice at opponents’ heads until they pass out. Anyway, that’s what I’ve heard. I’ve never actually played myself.

This may seem like good news for geeks and trolls, but in reality this is ridiculous bullshit. Wizards of the Coast just released its fourth edition in 2008, and it was widely panned for its inconsistent quality and emphasis on game mechanics rather than role playing. Now, less than four years later, players are expected to invest in an entirely new edition just because WotC wants more of your money.

Except this time, they are asking for player feedback to help them write the new rules. Brilliant.

So, Wizards of the Coast, this is what we want to see in the new edition:

• The Paladin should obviously be the most powerful character, because no one could ever defeat a paladin.
• I want there to be lots and lots of rules, because there’s nothing more fun for someone playing a Paladin than to get to nitpick about the rules.
• I want halflings to be called hobbits, and I want all wizard characters to be named either Gandalf or Dumbledore.
• I want Rich Burlew of Order of the Stick to sketch a portrait of every one of my player characters, and to include them in his comic.
• I want there to be more dinosaurs, because who doesn’t dream about fighting a T-rex with nothing but chain mail and a sword.
• I want it to be cool to play Dungeons and Dragons again. If you have to blackmail Zac Efron into becoming a celebrity endorser using naked photographs of him snorting blow off the stomach of a dead prostitute with relics of a satanic ritual in the background**, just do what you have to do. You have my blessing.

Please note: This blog is a level 13 Paladin. Just because the blog has a few curses doesn’t mean it’s not still lawful good.

*Or at least those of you who won’t admit to playing.

**I know you’ve got Satanic relics. It’s Dungeons and Dragons!

Check out Decater's new novel, available now at Amazon. Plus, don't forget his earlier books: Ahab's Adventures in Wonderland and Picasso Painted Dinosaurs.