Why LOTR Sucks: Fuck!

Turns out I totally fucking forgot about Liv Tyler. The movie isn’t over yet. But it does seem to have completely transitioned into slow motion. Even the music has slowed down.

Here are some of my most recent gripes:

The speech Aragorn gives after his coronation is totally lame. He’s got a bigger stick up his ass than Elrond does.

The elf extras are all ugly. I think Peter Jackson just asked his cousins to fill in so he could save his money. I now have zero interest in dating an elf. Well, except maybe for Will Ferrell.

The funniest part is when Aragorn says to the hobbits, “You bow to no one.” It maybe the greatest line since Patrick Swayze said, “Nobody puts Baby in a corner.”

The movie has definitely slowed down, what with all the slow motion, but it’s finally over.

Minutes Watched: 3.3:47.32

Number of Montages: 17

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 126

Start at the beginning

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