Vegan Is The New Gay

In this day and age, everyone knows at least one vegan. It’s no longer something to be kept hidden, like a crazed murderer in the family. When you make your confession, “My daughter’s a vegan,” you’ll receive a sympathetic nod. “My niece is a vegan too.” You can now commiserate together.

But just because veganism is out in the open doesn’t mean we have to be nice about it. So here you go, the best ways to annoy the vegans in your life:

• Repeatedly tell them why you could never be a vegan
• Tell them how you were vegetarian once, but you couldn’t last
• Make a big deal about how you went out of your way to make a vegan meal for them, even though you’d much rather be eating meat.
• Insult Moby
• Ask them if they can have sex with people who aren’t vegans
• Point out that they are somehow failing as a true vegan because the dark chocolate candy bar they are eating was made on equipment that may have also handled dairy products
• Tell them about how you watched Twilight the night before
• Tell them how much you would miss cheese if you ever became a vegan

Be judicious with the way you employ the strategies on this list, or you might find a carrot stabbed in your eye.

Check out Decater's new novel, available now at Amazon. Plus, don't forget his earlier books: Ahab's Adventures in Wonderland and Picasso Painted Dinosaurs.