Why LOTR Sucks: 30 Second Films

The film school students among you might know of a genre of film making that involves extreme shorts. You try to make a complete narrative in as short a time as possible, sometimes as little as 15 seconds. It’s obvious that Peter Jackson, despite initial appearances, was a student of such courses.

He’s managed to break all Rom-Com records by having Faramir and Eowyn fall in love in a 30 second scene. He’s assembled a nearly twelve hour magnus opus, and he can only afford 30 seconds for two major characters to fall in love.

He even managed a slow motion close-up of someone crying, but they were bittersweet tears of joy, tears that come from knowing the man who raised you has died, but at the same time, you’ve just met the man you’re going to marry. But of course you were just in love with another man, and this man you’ve only met just a little while before, so maybe you’re rushing into things a little bit. Of course, this new man is handsome. He’s a steward, which isn’t quite as good as the king, but it’s still job security. Oh, and my arm still hurts from killing the witch-king.

All that, in thirty seconds. Bravo, Peter Jackson. The Academy Award on your mantle was well-earned.

Minutes Watched: 3.3:08.31

Number of Montages: 17

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 68

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