Why LOTR Sucks: These Are The Ugly Elves

Contrary to popular belief, not all elves are beautiful. Lothlórien, where these elves are from, is the Eastern Kentucky of Middle Earth. This is not what you would call prime real estate after all, being just outside of Moria. Just like Kentuckians, these elves are isolated and inbred, as evidenced by their facial defects such as big noses (notice Haldir’s huge honker; he might as well be a brother to Boromir and Faramir) and five o’clock shadows. They are almost certainly looked down upon by the other elves, which is why Elrond will only communicate with Galadriel through telepathy.

These are the worst elves.

Minutes Watched: 2:29.35

Number of Montages: 5

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 19

Start at the beginning

Check out Decater's new novel, available now at Amazon. Plus, don't forget his earlier books: Ahab's Adventures in Wonderland and Picasso Painted Dinosaurs.