Being Vegan Is No Different Than Being In A Monogamous Relationship

Perhaps you are worried about committing yourself to one person until death do you part. You think about all the relationships you’ll be giving up. You will be with that same person, and only that person, for the rest of your long, probably boring, life.

All those other people are the sausages and bacon of your future. You will smell them in the kitchen, but never be able to taste them again.

But by giving up so many things, you learn to enjoy the few things you have left even better. You concentrate on eating the best vegetables and doing everything you can to make those vegetables happy. Maybe you crave a slice of bacon every once in a while, but you would never actually have any, because you know how much that would hurt the feelings of your quinoa salad. And really, is there anything that tastes better than a quinoa salad?

And taking the analogy one step further, the fact Hitler was a vegan suggests that a single-minded obsession only proves your love for it. No one doubts that Hitler really loved killing jews and gays, right? Well, it’s also true no one ever doubts that a vegan really loves her vegetables, or that a faithful lover really loves his partner.

So don’t be afraid of marrying yourself to a vegan lifestyle. You might miss that glass of milk at first, but you’ll forget all about meat and fish and pork and dairy products and eggs soon enough. Oh and gummy candy. No gummy candy either.

Please Note: This blog does not in any way support the killing of gays or lesbians.

Check out Decater's new novel, available now at Amazon. Plus, don't forget his earlier books: Ahab's Adventures in Wonderland and Picasso Painted Dinosaurs.