Logistical Questions I Have In Regards To The Impending Rapture

We all know that tomorrow is the end of the world. I hope you’re not on God’s naughty list, or you’ll be headed towards an eternity of heat and sodomy. Of course, maybe you’re into that kind of thing. I’m not here to judge.

In any case, no matter how hip to the word of the Lord we might be, even the most devout among us probably have some questions we want answered about the impending rapture. If you know the answers, please be so kindly as to provide them in the comments below. I’m sure that there will be plenty of knowledgeable Christians surfing the net in their last few hours here on Earth.

1. What happens to all my books? Some people are understandably worried about their pets, but I don’t have any, and I don’t really care about a bunch of stupid animals and babies anyway. But I do have a lot of books. Can I take them with me up to Heaven? Or will there be some kind of library system?

2. Is there a dress code? Should I be wearing my tuxedo tomorrow in anticipation? Or is it more of a business casual type of affair?

3. What should I say to the people close to me who don’t get picked for Team God? I’ll be honest with you. My friends here are not what you would call bible humpers. They are almost certainly going to Hell. I’m worried that as I’m ascending up to Heaven, there will be a few awkward moments where I’ll be expected to say something encouraging. Any suggestions?

4. Who would win in a fight between Ben Franklin and the Devil? Strictly speaking, this isn’t a Rapture question, but it’s my last day to get an answer.

5. I’m sensitive to loud sounds. Should I be wearing ear plugs tomorrow? I know there’s going to be a lot of trumpeting and whatnot. But I’m worried that if I am wearing ear plugs, I won’t notice it’s time and I’ll miss the rapture all together.

6. Wait a minute. Didn’t Christ give his life so that all who have sinned would be saved? Didn’t he go down to Hell and bring forth all of the sinners who had ever lived and died and bring them up to Heaven? Won’t everyone be saved during the rapture?

7. Some people say the World will end this year. Others, like Roland Emmerich, say it’s going to end in 2012. Who’s right?

8. What happens if the Rapture doesn’t happen tomorrow? I quit my job this week, sold my car and house, and took the money and went on a wild bender in Las Vegas. It will be might embarrassing if the Rapture gets postponed. What kind of contingency plans are in place for Christians who shot their wad a little early?

Thanks to everyone for your help. May God have mercy on your soul.

Please Note: This blog, a God-fearing, Christian Blog, also expects to be raptured. So after tomorrow, it will be gone. You’ll only be able to access it through Google’s cache.

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