I Saw The Rapture And All I Got Was This Lousy Banana

So it turns out after all my big talk, I missed out on the rapture completely. I’m still stuck on Earth with all of you sinners. This bites.

To make matters worse, it seems all the food in my refrigerator did get raptured. All God left me was a single banana. As you may recall, I don’t even like bananas all that much. I guess this is God’s way of fucking with me. He can be such a prick sometimes.

In any case, this unfortunate turn of events gives me five more months to finish rewatching The Wire. It’s a bit inconvenient, what with me having quit my job and used all my savings to buy advertisements about the rapture, but I suppose God will turn this banana into wine or lots of fishes or something really biblical to make sure I don’t starve. Because, seriously, I can’t live on one banana for five months.

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Check out Decater's novel, available now at Amazon. Plus, don't forget his other books: They Both Love Vonnegut, Ahab's Adventures in Wonderland, and Picasso Painted Dinosaurs.