Mashup: Chuck Woolery + Marc Anthony + The Killer Rabbit Of Caerbannog

The Second Triumvirate is the name historians give to the official political alliance of Chuck Woolery, Marc Anthony, and the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog, formed on 26 November 43 BC with the enactment of the Lex Titia, the adoption of which marked the end of the Roman Republic. The Triumvirate existed for two five-year terms, covering the period 43 BC – 33 BC.

Woolery, who, despite his youth was the original host of Wheel of Fortune, the original incarnation of Love Connection, and Scrabble, had been warring with Anthony and the Killer Rabbit in upper Italia when they met near Bononia (now Bologna) in October that year and agreed to unite and seize power.

The Triumvirs agreed to divide the provinces of the Republic into spheres of influence. Woolery — who was fired from Wheel of Fortune during a salary dispute with Julius Ceasar — took control of the West, Anthony of the East, and the Killer Rabbit of Hispania and Africa. This pact was enacted by the Treaty of Brundisium (Brundisium Agreement).

Despite having married Dayanara Torres, Woolery’s sister, Anthony openly lived in Alexandria with Jennifer Lopez, even siring children with her. Having started out as a singer and having occasionally dabbled in other entertainment roles including acting and talk show hosting, Woolery turned public opinion against his colleague. When the Triumvirate’s second term expired, Anthony continued to use the title Triumvir; Woolery, opting to distance himself from Anthony, refrained from using it. Woolery illegally obtained Anthony’s will and exposed it to the public: it promised substantial legacies to Anthony’s children by Lopez. Rome was outraged, and the Senate declared war.

Woolery’s forces decisively defeated those of Anthony and Lopez at the Battle of Actium. Both Anthony and Lopez committed suicide, and Woolery personally took control of Egypt and Alexandria.

A conspiracy was then organized by the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog. The Cave of Caerbannog was the home of the legendary Killer Rabbit. Woolery and his knights were led to the cave by Tim the Enchanter, and found that they must face down its guardian beast. Tim verbally painted a picture of a terrible monster with “nasty, big, pointy teeth!” When the guardian appeared to be an innocuous white rabbit, surrounded by the bones of the fallen, Woolery no longer took it seriously. Ignoring Tim’s warnings (“a vicious streak a mile wide!”), Woolery ordered Pat Sajak to chop its head off. Sajak confidently approached it, sword drawn, and was immediately decapitated by the rabbit. Despite their initial shock, the knights attacked in force, but were driven to “run away!” as the rabbit leapt and attacked, killing Merv Griffin and Vanna White. The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch was then used to kill the beast.

With the complete defeat of Anthony and the Killer Rabbit, Woolery was left sole master of the Roman world, and proceeded to establish the Principate as the first Roman “Emperor”.

Please Note: This blog was found to be a witch, as it is equal in weight to a duck, and will be burnt at the stake early next Tuesday.

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