I Have Been Saving Daylight For Years, Enough To Power A Small Planet For Almost An Entire Day

I consider myself to be something of a genius. I read The Hobbit when I was in third grade. I’ve solved a Rubik’s Cube in under two minutes. If you’d like a beta version of my time machine, give me a holler. But if there’s one thing I just can’t get my head around, it’s Daylight Savings Time. I mean seriously, what the fuck?

Every time I ask for an explanation as to why we have Daylight Savings Time, I’m told that it’s for the farmers. Really? Since when have we as a society given a damn about the farmers? Did congress get together and decide, “Man, those farmers are getting a raw deal, what with all the foreclosures and factory farms and John Cougar Mellencamp songs. Let’s throw them a bone with Daylight Savings Time?”

And when I ask, “If it’s so important to have the extra hour of daylight during the summer, than why don’t we keep the clocks that way year round,” people just stare at me blankly. Seriously, what the fuck?

Daylight Savings has come and gone for another season, so with some of those extra daylight hours I’ve saved up over the years, I thought I would finally solve this inexplicable mystery.

It turns out that Daylight Savings Time was invented by Benjamin Franklin. Some people contend that George Vernon Hudson, a New Zealander, came up with it first. But if that were the case, it would be the first time a sheepfucker* had invented anything useful.

In reading through Old Ben’s proposals, he explained that because both time and space are relative, it would be possible to accelerate the Earth’s rotation during the summer months, thereby slowing down time and earning an extra hour of daylight. This was very important to Ben because he had so many inventions he was working on. Then during the winter, the Earth would slow back to it’s normal pace, helping to speed us through the winter months.

Of course, Franklin died long before the technology became available to alter the Earth’s rotation. It wasn’t until 1918 that Daylight Savings took affect.

Now that I understand how it works, I still think Daylight Savings is retarded. We should have gone with McCarthy’s plan, and stolen daylight from the Soviets. Then we’d have plenty of extra daylight today, and we wouldn’t have to share it with anyone.

Proud to be an American!

Please Note, this blog is being written at exactly the same time you are reading it. Thanks Ben Franklin!

*I wasn’t sure if the term Kiwi was more or less politically correct than sheepfucker, so I decided to play it safe.

Check out Decater's novel, available now at Amazon. Plus, don't forget his other books: They Both Love Vonnegut, Ahab's Adventures in Wonderland, and Picasso Painted Dinosaurs.