A Blackout In This Case Is Out Of The Question

I have often felt Science has been wasting its time searching for cures to cancer and answers to our universe’s origin. That’s why news of the following study so thoroughly piqued my interest.

Researchers have long known that elephants have a predilection for the marula, a succulent fruit naturally occurring in Southern Africa. It is especially famous for its tendency to ferment on the limb, turning its juicy innards into a free cocktail.

Over the decades, numerous anecdotal accounts have reported examples of elephants getting drunk on marula fruit or stolen stashes of rice liquor. They cite the elephants’ inebriation as the cause of countless fatal attacks on humans.

There is even video evidence:

Of course all of these stories have been proven false, thanks to the tireless efforts of Science to debunk the fallacious accounts. It is true that elephants enjoy the taste of alcohol, whether it be Marula fruit, gin, or Maker’s Mark*. But it would be virtually impossible for elephants to actually get drunk because of their massive size and the vast amounts of water they consume daily.

In related news, Paris Hilton has added two Asian Elephants to her entourage.

*I could actually find no credible evidence that elephants like the taste of alcohol except for the following quote from friend of Science, Steve Morris: “Elephants indisputably like booze, especially Asian elephants where we have many reports of them getting into rice-wine stores and drinking the stuff.” Looks like someone needs to look up indisputably in the dictionary. He might also want to check out inconceivable while he’s at it, and save himself the return trip.

Check out Decater's new novel, available now at Amazon. Plus, don't forget his earlier books: Ahab's Adventures in Wonderland and Picasso Painted Dinosaurs.