Babies!

We thought the danger came from something sinister and 21st century like H1N1 or Al Gore. But it turns out the real threat to our way of life comes from a hazard that has been around since the beginning of humanity.

Babies.

And the saddest part is we cannot plead ignorance. We were warned.

Jonathan Swift urged English parliament to pass a law requiring everyone to eat their babies. He called it A Modest Proposal because he knew there would still be lots of French and Chinese babies to threaten the world. But you have to start somewhere.

Mark Twain urged the army to do something about all the babies in this 1879 speech to the Tennessee Army. Unfortunately they assumed he was being satirical.

Our own parents–who themselves had babies, and thus know about the dangers–repeatedly warned us that we should not make any babies because they would ruin our lives.

So why do people keep having babies? Do we think that because they are mindless food receptacles incapable of dressing themselves they do not pose a threat? The same argument could be used about zombies, and yet they still managed to murder Bill Murray*.

Science has discovered babies in even the most extreme environments. They cling to life more assiduously than cockroaches or The Simpsons.

Here are some simple rules for protecting yourself from the baby plague:

1. Avoid making eye contact with babies
2. Do not feed babies
3. If babies are crying in the middle of the night, do not go to comfort them. This will only spoil them
4. Babies generally come color coded. (Blue for males, Pink for females) Do not allow them to mix. They procreate every chance they get.
5. If you are being attacked by a baby, try to evade its line of sight for even a moment. Babies do not have object permanence. They will think you no longer exist.

Please forward this warning to everyone you know. Only by working together can we avoid the coming baby apocalypse.

*Bill Murray was not murdered by zombies, in the movie Zombieland, or in real life.

Check out Decater's novel, available now at Amazon. Plus, don't forget his other books: They Both Love Vonnegut, Ahab's Adventures in Wonderland, and Picasso Painted Dinosaurs.