The Lord Jesus Christ’s Greatest Miracle Ever, Or His Cruelest Practical Joke?
The Chaos Factory is excited to introduce a regular debate feature in which we’ll ask respected thought leaders and insanely popular superstars to debate the world’s most pressing issues. We call it Pants? No Pants!
This week, we have Pope Benedict arguing for the Pants? side, and TV funnyman Tony Danza arguing for No Pants!
Pants? (Pope Benedict):
It would be heresy to doubt that Christ’s raising of his good friend Lazarus from the dead is not the greatest miracle the world has ever known. Allow me to quickly summarize the story, for any Jews or Pagans that may be reading this:
Lazarus and his two sisters, Mary and Martha, were friends of Jesus. When Lazarus fell ill, his sisters sent a message to Jesus. Upon hearing the news, Jesus waited two more days before going to Lazarus’ hometown of Bethany. Jesus knew that he could do a great miracle for God’s glory and, therefore, he was not in a hurry.
When Jesus arrived in Bethany, Lazarus had already been dead and in the tomb for four days. When Martha discovered that Jesus was on his way, she went out to meet him. “Lord,” she said, “if you had been here, my brother would not have died.”
Jesus told Martha, “Your brother will rise again.” Then he added, “I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die.”
Jesus then went to the tomb of Lazarus with Mary, Martha, and the rest of the mourners. There he asked them to remove the stone that covered the hillside burial place. Jesus looked up to heaven and prayed to his Father, closing with these words: “Lazarus, come out!” When Lazarus came out of the tomb, Jesus told the people to remove his grave clothes.
As a result of this incredible miracle, many people put their faith in Jesus. Jesus proved that God had power even over life and death. Anyone who says that Jesus is a prick will rot in hell.
No Pants! (Tony Danza):
Jesus is a prick.
First, the Bible says that in Heaven, God “will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Although this quote is rather vague, I think it’s fairly obvious that Heaven is an awesome place, much like one of my own sitcoms.
Second, as Pope Benny pointed out, after hearing the news that his friend was near death, Jesus waited around for two days. He couldn’t be bothered to hurry. He could have just saved Lazarus right then and there. I mean he’s Jesus Fucking Christ, am I right?
But no, he hangs out doing who knows what. He let’s Lazarus die and go to Heaven, the absolutely most awesome place in the world, and then decides to bring him back to what we in the industry affectionately refer to as Hell on Earth.
Classic dickhead behavior if I’ve ever seen it.
Please Note: This blog does not in any way wish to imply that just because he could totally kick Pope Benny’s ass in a fist fight, Mr. Danza’s view is necessarily more sacrosanct.
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dancewithsunflowers
I prefer not to think of all the misery but of all the beauty that still remains. -Anne Frank