The Most Important Chinese Inventions

Chinese inventors have historically been given the shaft. People like Guttenburg and Aristotle are given credit for inventions that originated in China centuries earlier.

Of course, in the 21st century, Chinese inventors are enacting their revenge, stealing everything from car designs to medicine and slapping a Chinese brand on it.

The West can cry and complain all it wants, but you know what they say about payback.*

#11 Zoetrope

Date: 180 AD

Why It’s Important: Has been the inspiration for thousands of school boys to draw crude cartoons on the pages of their textbooks.

#10 Coffin

Date: 5000 BC

Why It’s Important: Without coffins, where would vampires sleep?

#9 Tofu

Date: 10th Century AD

Why It’s Important: One word: Tofurkey

#8 Bell

Date: 2000 BC

Why It’s Important: How else would you know where your cows are?

#7 Compass

Date: 1st Century AD

Why It’s Important: Although the Chinese did not realize it might be used in navigation until a millennium later, the compass was an integral part in divination and geomancy ceremonies.

#6 Printing

Date: 650 AD

Why It’s Important: A lot easier for Confucius to get the word out about his righteous kegger when he could print up the fliers rather than hand draw each one.

#5 Alcohol

Date: 7000 BC

Why It’s Important: Confucius would have no need for the printing press otherwise.

#4 Fork

Date: 2000 BC

Why It’s Important: Considering the fork was invented a thousand years before chopsticks, yet nobody in China actually uses the fork, even today, perhaps it wasn’t that important.

#3 Gunpowder

Date: 1044

Why It’s Important: Gunpowder would allow Western Powers to conquer China more than 800 years later. Some might call that ironic.

#2 Paper

Date: 2nd Century BC

Why It’s Important: Directly led to the invention of the spitball one year later.

#1 Flamethrower

Date: 10th Century AD

Why It’s Important: How else can Calvin fight the monsters under his bed?

*It’s a bitch