I Talked With God Today

In their bleakest moments, humans turn to someone beyond themselves to find comfort, answers, and succor. I am no exception. I often pray to the Almighty in hopes of finding a sympathetic ear.

The great thing about God is that he’s always there. And he knows everything. You don’t even have to tell him. He’s been listening in and has it figured out already. That saves you a lot of time. Just get straight to the point and tell God what you want. Like forgiveness. Or winning the lottery. Or not getting caught.

So this morning, I was feeling a bit stressed out, because I had this big presentation coming up at work, and it’s like, the most important presentation I’ve ever had to give. It could mean a big promotion, and a big raise, and I’ve been wanting to get the new iPhone for a while.

So all I’m asking for is one small little favor. And is it too much to ask for the least bit of acknowledgment that God’s going to help out, because if I know he’s got my back, then why bother reviewing my presentation? You know what I’m saying? Why stress it if the big guy is looking out for me?

But does God say anything? Even just to let me know I’m on my own this time?

No. God, as usual, declined to respond. He’s so fucking passive aggressive.

Please note, This post was transcribed in stone exactly how it was dictated to me, and then dashed to the ground in anger.

Check out Decater's novel, available now at Amazon. Plus, don't forget his other books: They Both Love Vonnegut, Ahab's Adventures in Wonderland, and Picasso Painted Dinosaurs.