But according to the two words of text on my screen, the editors, producers, studio execs, family members, and everyone else associated in any way with the making of the Lord of the Rings have gotten together for an intervention and forced Peter Jackson to finally, at long last, end the movie.
I can’t help but cry a little.*
Minutes Watched: 3.4:01.31
Number of Montages: 17
Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 138
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Nope, still not over. And Frodo just warned us, with what I think was ominous music in the background, that it’s still got room for a little more.
Excuse me. I need to check if euthanasia is legal here.
Minutes Watched: 3.3:52.19
Number of Montages: 17
Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 126
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I jumped the gun, but now it’s over. Just had to make sure we saw Sam get married. No one cried, which was a surprise. But maybe all the hobbits are too pissed to cry, because none of their taller friends bothered to come to the wedding. Sure, everyone was their friend when they needed them to save the world, but now that Sauron’s dead, it’s like, “We’d love to come to the wedding, but we’re too busy what with the holidays and all.” Typical.
Minutes Watched: 3.3:50.30
Number of Montages: 17
Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 126
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Turns out I totally fucking forgot about Liv Tyler. The movie isn’t over yet. But it does seem to have completely transitioned into slow motion. Even the music has slowed down.
Here are some of my most recent gripes:
The speech Aragorn gives after his coronation is totally lame. He’s got a bigger stick up his ass than Elrond does.
The elf extras are all ugly. I think Peter Jackson just asked his cousins to fill in so he could save his money. I now have zero interest in dating an elf. Well, except maybe for Will Ferrell.
The funniest part is when Aragorn says to the hobbits, “You bow to no one.” It maybe the greatest line since Patrick Swayze said, “Nobody puts Baby in a corner.”
The movie has definitely slowed down, what with all the slow motion, but it’s finally over.
Minutes Watched: 3.3:47.32
Number of Montages: 17
Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 126
Start at the beginning
Maybe Aragorn would have been better served watching another DVD, Frank Miller’s 300. Then he would have known that he should have attacked the orcs while they were bottlenecked in the gateway, rather than just waiting for them to surround their army on all sides.
It should also be noted that all the horses just disappeared from both armies, and everyone is on foot. I guess Sauron used his magic 8-ball eye to make all the horses disappear.
This scene is so poorly done, it seems silly I have to even point it out. Did no one else notice that during this battle, not only did the horses disappear, not only did Gandalf and Aragorn cede the advantage they had, but the actual terrain changed? They were lined up for battle on a bit of an incline, but when the orcs surround them, this incline has disappeared. What were you thinking, Academy voters?
Minutes Watched: 3.3:23.13
Number of Montages: 17
Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 68
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It’s pretty obvious that Aragorn just recently watched the DVD of Braveheart. He certainly picked up some tips on how to give a rousing battle speech. The only thing missing is mooning some orcs.
If you pay attention closely, you’ll see that the army rides up on horses. Then when they are going into battle, they don’t have horses. When the orcs are first seen coming through the gate, they don’t have any horses. Yet, when they begin their charge, the orcs now have horses. I guess they stole them from the Gondor army (This was first pointed out to me by this website).
Minutes Watched: 3.3:21.38
Number of Montages: 17
Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 68
Start at the beginning
Good to hear that! ;) (nice blog btw) RT @doctorentropy2: @transnormalcy @twittamentary yes! i love twittamentaryOptimized by SEO Ultimate
