Posts Tagged: Science

Film/Video — No Comments
5
Feb 12

Why LOTR Sucks: The Blade That Was Broken

You know how when a butterfly flaps its wings in China, a baby dies in Canada?* This same principle is at work when you change a story to suit your purpose. The repercussions are felt where you never would have expected.

In order to give Liv Tyler a role in the movie, they needed to make changes. And those changes forced more changes. Now Liv Tyler is the one who decided to reforge the sword that was broken, Isildur’s sword, the one belonging to the heir of Gondor. For whatever reason, the decision to reforge the sword was Liv Tyler’s to make. It makes perfect sense, when you think about it.

My favorite part is when Liv Tyler and Elrond compare notes on the visions they’ve had about the future. They actually argue about it.

“You lied to me about your dream about the future!”

“No, I didn’t lie, I just left one part out.”

Also, add 3 to the total of slow motion close-ups of people crying.

Minutes Watched: 3.0:42.05

Number of Montages: 13

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 53

Start at the beginning

*This is Science. Don’t argue with it.

Writing — 1 Comment
5
Aug 11

Why Are You A Douche Bag And Other Frequently Asked Questions

Among our copious amounts of fanmail, we are always getting asked the same questions. I’ve compiled a list of the most frequently asked questions*, and provided the answers here. I know a bunch of retards are still going to ask the same questions, but now I can respond with a real snide email saying, “Look at the FAQ, dipshit.”

1. Are you gay? No, I’m not. In fact, I slept with your mom last night.

2. How can you square entropy? That’s scientifically impossible? First of all, the fact you asked the question tells me you are a douche bag. Second, I spoke with Science just the other day, and she assured me that squaring entropy is definitely possible. As long as you aren’t a douche bag.

3. Why should I pay for your blog when MSN offers their content for free? We’ll gladly accept your donations. Make all checks payable to The Chaos Factory and email them to doc@entropy2.com.

4. Who was responsible for the first Trans-Atlantic Telegraph Cable? Cyrus West Field, in 1892.

5. Dinosaurs or Killer Robots? Dinosaurs

6. I want to punch you in the face. Go ahead and try.

7. Why do you hate God? First, let me ask you a question. Just because I make fun of God every once in a while, why do you assume I hate God? I just think he can be a prick sometimes. Like the other day I was asking really nicely for a rainstorm to hit so I could avoid going to work, and he completely ignored me. I mean, it’s rained every day for like the last 4 weeks, and the one day I need it to rain, God ignores me. Classic prick behavior. But hey, we’re all pricks sometimes. I am a forgiving guy. I don’t hold it against him.

*Those on the inside like to refer to this kind of answer sheet as an FAQ.

Please Note: This blog does not like you, and wishes you would stop asking the same questions over and over again.

Writing — No Comments
17
May 11

Nothing That An Ad On Craig’s List Can’t Fix

Perhaps you think you have it bad. Maybe you were recently fired from your job at Microsoft for incompetence. Or a dingo just ate your baby, but the police are convinced you ate your baby instead. Then there’s the tumor growing on the back of your skull. You were scared it might be cancer, but it turns out it’s a nest of spider eggs.

But cheer up. At least you aren’t this tree.

It seems that the cycad is the only one of its species left on the entire planet. It’s pathetic little pine cone will forever hang lonely from its branches, completely incapable of fulfilling its singular ambition in life.

If that ain’t some shit.

Please Note: This blog does not endorse baby eating, by dingos or otherwise. Except in the name of science, of course.

Writing — 1 Comment
18
Dec 10

In Which An Important Decision Must Be Made

The following email comes courtesy of Emmy S. No wait, that’s too obvious. E. Smith. Okay, let’s just call her Franklin.

Here’s what I got: There are microbial mats that have this really strange metabolism that can both oxidize and reduce elements (in this case sulfur). These algal mats (and biology in general) are really lazy and prefer to take up the lightest available isotope. This is a process known as fractionation. Anyway, these algal mats were fractionating sulfur isotopes like mad in the early oceans, and we’re able to see this record in ancient rocks that we find today. The sulfur isotope record can actually tell us when different metabolisms (sulfate reducing, sulfate reducing/oxidizing) arose. And because these weird oxidizing and reducing algal mats needed oxygen for some of the intermediate metabolic stages, they must have lived close to the surface of the ocean and there ***must have been oxygen in the atmosphere***. This is very important and the timing of the rise of these algal mats has implications for the timing of the Great Oxidation Event (our atmosphere wasn’t always oxygenated). Very exciting.

You know another thing i’m working on? Snowball earth. Have i told you about this? This is the theory that there were at least two complete global glaciations, that two times in history the earth was a giant snowball. this is a highly contentious theory, at least in some circles. there are many scientists that would bet their lives on the slushball earth hypothesis. so what do you think: snowball or slushball? another mini/maybe major project of mine is working on small shelly fossils. that is actually the scientific name for the little buggers. small shelly fossils. i’m thinking about devoting the next 5 years of my life to them. i’m also thinking about devoting the next 5 years of my life to making a mockumentary on the scientific community, all the while pretending to be a part of it. tough choice: small shelly fossils or betrayal?

maybe i’ll just have a bunch of babies.

this is a horrible thing to say, but here i go anyway. didn’t all of mongolia’s livestock die last summer? that would have been the perfect time for you to go. and, at least according to dania, mongolians love salad. i’ll scope things out for you.

no need to say anything to amos. i just wear exclusively harvard apparel. even to bed. every time he looks at me he’s reminded.

Why have I bothered to reprint this email? Besides the obvious awesomeness of it, our protagonist is in need of help. Your help! Please give your advice as to what she should do by answering the following poll:

What should she do?

View Results

Loading ... Loading ...

I thank you, and Franklin thanks you.

Please Note, The results of this poll will in no way affect global warming, unless you choose answer 3.

Writing — 1 Comment
13
Nov 10

Stephen Hawking Ruins His Chances At Sainthood

It’s been a tough summer for God.

First Stephen Hawking declared Science had reached the point where it was possible to explain the existence of the universe without resorting to religion. God and Science, never comfortable bedfellows, reacted with awkward silence, like uncomfortable in-laws from different colored states.

Now, some pioneering athletes have achieved what only Jesus Christ had ever done before. They walked on water. They are calling their new sport Liquid Mountaineering. This is how they describe themselves:

Liquid Mountaineering may be the biggest human breakthrough this century and it’s already uniting open minded athletes around the world. The mantra, “you have to believe” has become a new call to arms for those tired of simply swimming, bathing and drinking water. You have to believe.

What’s next? Will humans soon attain the immortality previously reserved only for tortoises? Will the International Criminal Court at the Hague levy charges against God for his genocide of the Caananites?

God needs to hire a good PR firm. Maybe the guys at Purple Strategies

Please Note, this post is the property of Hill & Knowlton & Associates. This document contains private and confidential information and should be read only by those persons to whom it is addressed. Its content is not permitted for use or view by any other persons. If you have received this message in error, please notify us immediately, destroy any hard copy and delete the message from your computer. You are not in any way permitted to redistribute, copy or use the contents of this email including attachments.

Writing — 6 Comments
25
Feb 10

The Most Exquisite Works Of Art Ever Created

Benjamin Franklin coined the phrase “Beauty, like supreme dominion, is but supported by opinion.”* But Franklin was wrong.

According to my friend Science, beauty is a combination of qualities, such as shape, color, or form, that pleases the aesthetic senses. Using a complex algorithm that has been thoroughly supported through experimental research, Science has definitively ranked the most exquisite works of art.

#11 Guernica

Creator: Pablo Picasso

What sets it apart: Picasso’s most famous painting, he applies his Cubist style to the bombing of the Basque village of Guernica. The painting graphically exhibits the atrocities of war. Since its creation, Guernica has become a symbol of peace, and is frequently touted as a monumental anti-war emblem. Every leader should have to sit in front of this painting for an hour before voting their country to war.

#10 Ryoan-Ji Temple

Creator: The Sound Of One Hand Clapping

What sets it apart: The pinnacle of Zen architecture, Ryoan-ji, located to the Northwest of Kyoto, houses the famous Karesansui Garden. Everything about the temple espouses its main theme, “What one has is all one needs.” The key ingredient in true art is artlessness.

#9 The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock

Creator: T. S. Eliot

What sets it apart: If nothing else, the lines:


Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
for decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

Eliot elegantly summarizes the paradox of human existence, that an entire lifetime can be contained inside a single moment, yet all our seemingly endless days are not enough to fulfill us. We look forward at our beginning, and look backward at our end, and never make full use of the moment at hand. Maybe we should spend more time in Ryoan-ji

#8 The Iliad

Creator: Homer

What sets it apart: In one, beautiful, elegaic, epic poem, Homer summarizes what war and love and pride mean to an entire culture. In Achilles, the tragic hero, we have literature’s greatest example of the defiant one, who refuses to bow before his king in the face of injustice. But his defiance costs him dearly, and he eventually throws his life away in the name of avenging his slain companion. In so doing, Achilles reveals the greatest secret of The Iliad, that we in fact have the ability to determine our own fate.

#7 Citizen Kane

Creator: Orson Welles

What sets it apart: Sure it revolutionized filmmaking, with its use of deep focus and special effects, but the real importance of Citizen Kane is the inspiration it provided for Charles Montgomery Burns.

#6 Snow Man, 1989

Creator: The Scott Family

What sets it apart: In the aftermath of the great blizzard of ’89, and clearly inspired by Calvin and Hobbes, Walter Scott, his wife Diane, and their children, Richie and Hannah, set about building the greatest snowman of all time. The fact that it melted 3 days later only adds weight to its poignancy.

#5 Hamlet

Creator: William Shakespeare

What sets it apart: Any truly great work of art, from The Epic Of Gilgamesh to Snowman, 1989, centers on one theme, and one theme alone, the futility of human existence. Hamlet, thanks to the perfidy of his Uncle, contemplates suicide. Instead, he decides to expend his life fighting for love and justice. But in the end, does it really matter?

#4 The Ingenious Hidalgo Don Quixote of La Mancha

Creator: Miguel Cervantes

What sets it apart: Don Quixote: madman, idealist, the butt of jokes. But he didn’t care, because he truly understood the human condition, that we create our own reality.

#3 Dogs Playing Poker

Creator: Cassius Coolidge

What sets it apart: Subversive without being demeaning, Dogs Playing Poker points out the animal in all of us. More importantly, the painting symbolizes that working class art has a place in our culture, despite what certain pretentious art critics might say.

#2 Requiem Mass In D Minor

Creator: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

What sets it apart: The Requiem is scored for 2 basset-horns in F, 2 bassoons, 2 trumpets in D, 3 trombones (alto, tenor & bass), timpani (2 drums), violins, viola and basso continuo (cello, double bass, and organ or harpsichord). The vocal forces include soprano, alto, tenor, and bass soloists and an SATB mixed choir.

#1 David

Creator: Michelangelo

What sets it apart: If all the works of art ever created suddenly sprung to life, and they subsequently fought in a gigantic cage match, David would totally win.

*Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

Please note that this blog post was published posthumously

Writing — No Comments
7
Feb 10

The Most Beloved Chemical Elements

Science really loves elements. That’s why there are so many of them. Back in the day, when Science was still a baby, there were only four elements: Fire, Water, Earth, and Air.

Now, there are 112 elements. That’s because when Science ran out of actual elements, he started making them up. This is a true fact. Look at a Periodic Table. Once you get to 93, they are all synthetic elements. They aren’t real.

Yet another reason why I love Science.

#27 Francium

Atomic Symbol: Fr

Atomic Number: 87

Fun Fact: Known as Freedomium in the United States since 2003.

#26 Tin

Atomic Symbol: Sn

Atomic Number: 50

Fun Fact: Frank Baum almost decided his woodsman should be made of Zirconium. Doesn’t quite have the same ring to it.

#25 Aluminum

Atomic Symbol: Al

Atomic Number: 13

Fun Fact: If you are British, you are stupid. You know why.

#24 Zinc

Atomic Symbol: Zn

Atomic Number: 30

Fun Fact: I got nothing.


#23 Germanium

Atomic Symbol: Ge

Atomic Number: 32

Fun Fact: You can use Germanium to make awesome wicked lasers.

#22 Silicon

Atomic Symbol: Si

Atomic Number: 14

Fun Fact: Steve Jobs’ new liver is entirely made of Silicon.


#21 Einsteinium

Atomic Symbol: Es

Atomic Number: 99

Fun Fact: Einsteinium has no known uses. Awesome!

#20 Xenon

Atomic Symbol: Xe

Atomic Number: 54

Fun Fact: The most popular of the warrior princesses.

#19 Helium

Atomic Symbol: He

Atomic Number: 2

Fun Fact: The manliest of the elements, despite what it does to your voice.

#18 Lead

Atomic Symbol: Pb

Atomic Number: 82

Fun Fact: Not as deadly as Kryptonite, but still quite annoying to Superman.

#17 Krypton

Atomic Symbol: Kr

Atomic Number: 36

Fun Fact: If you have a line on where you can get your hands on some Krypton, I know a Mr. L who will pay top dollar for it.

#16 Chromium

Atomic Symbol: Cr

Atomic Number: 24

Fun Fact: The chief export of Albania.

#15 Nitrogen

Atomic Symbol: N

Atomic Number: 7

Fun Fact: When you combine Nitrogen and Oxygen, it spells no.

#14 Nickel

Atomic Symbol: Ni

Atomic Number: 28

Fun Fact: The word nickel comes from the German word kupfernickel, referring to Satan, or Old Nick’s Copper. Nickel is well known as the most evil of elements.

#13 Hydrogen

Atomic Symbol: H

Atomic Number: 1

Fun Fact: Hydrogen caused this.

#12 Gold

Atomic Symbol: Au

Atomic Number: 79

Fun Fact: Chemically, gold is a transition metal and can form trivalent and univalent cations in solutions. Compared with other metals, pure gold is chemically least reactive, but it is attacked by aqua regia (a mixture of acids), forming chloroauric acid, but not by the individual acids, and by alkaline solutions of cyanide. Gold dissolves in mercury, forming amalgam alloys, but does not react with it. Gold is insoluble in nitric acid, which dissolves silver and base metals. This property is exploited in the gold refining technique known as “inquartation and parting”. Nitric acid has long been used to confirm the presence of gold in items, and this is the origin of the colloquial term “acid test”, referring to a gold standard test for genuine value.

#11 Curium

Atomic Symbol: Cm

Atomic Number: 96

Fun Fact: Invented by Marie Curie after her death. Creepy.

#10 Silver

Atomic Symbol: 47

Atomic Number: Ag

Fun Fact: 10 silver pieces equals one gold piece.


#9 Tungsten

Atomic Symbol: W

Atomic Number: 74

Fun Fact: My first born son is named Tungsten

#8 Sodium

Atomic Symbol: Na

Atomic Number: 11

Fun Fact: My favorite ingredient in freedom fries..

#7 Lithium

Atomic Symbol: Li

Atomic Number: 3

Fun Fact: If you double lithium, you can power a warp drive. If you triple it, you get a powerful explosive.

#6 Carbon

Atomic Symbol: C

Atomic Number: 6

Fun Fact: I don’t know much about this extremely rare element, but it’s got a cool name.

#5 Titanium

Atomic Symbol: Ti

Atomic Number: 22

Fun Fact: A synthetic element named after scientist John Titan.

#4 Mercury

Atomic Symbol: Hg

Atomic Number: 80

Fun Fact: The fastest of the elements, and the messenger of the Gods.


#3 Neptunium

Atomic Symbol: Np

Atomic Number: 93

Fun Fact: The entire planet of Uranus is actually made of Neptunium.

#2 Oxygen

Atomic Symbol: O

Atomic Number: 8

Fun Fact: Oprah Winfrey holds the patent on Oxygen. Don’t piss her off, or she might start charging all of us.

#1 Boron

Atomic Symbol: B

Atomic Number: 5

Fun Fact: The name of my studio was almost Studio B, after Boron, the best of the elements, until I discovered some doofus had already used the name.

Writing — 2 Comments
23
Dec 09

The Dinosaur So Nice, They Had To Name It Twice

For the most part Science and I get along well. But sometimes it steps out of line.

Everyone, go to Wikipedia right now*. Look up Brontosaurus. Go ahead, type it in. Make sure you spell it correctly. Then hit return.

Were you as shocked as I was? Science has stolen the Brontosaurus away from us.**

Apparently some stupid fossil hunter in the late nineteenth century discovered a bunch of dinosaur bones. He named this new creature Apatosaurus. Then, a couple years later, he found another, even more awesome skeleton. This one he named Brontosaurus. Some other stupid paleo-jerkoffs pointed out these dinosaurs were the same genus.

Okay fine, whatever, they were using rocks for microscopes back then. The problem is even though Brontosaurus, meaning thunder lizard, is a way cooler name than Apatosaurus, which means deceptive lizard, they decided that since the latter came first, it would be the official name.

Well, guess what dead people? No one cares what you think. Science is not going to take Brontosaurus away from us.*** The next time someone says the name Apatosaurus, punch them in the kidney.****

That is all.

*Finish reading the directions, then go to Wikipedia. For our friends in China, here.

**This rhyme was 100% intentional.

***Again with the rhyming.

****Violence is wrong. I am in no way endorsing the use of violence as a means of conflict resolution. If you have to punch someone in the kidney, be polite about it.

Writing — No Comments
29
Nov 09

A Blackout In This Case Is Out Of The Question

John-Daly-elephantI have often felt Science has been wasting its time searching for cures to cancer and answers to our universe’s origin. That’s why news of the following study so thoroughly piqued my interest.

Researchers have long known that elephants have a predilection for the marula, a succulent fruit naturally occurring in Southern Africa. It is especially famous for its tendency to ferment on the limb, turning its juicy innards into a free cocktail.

Over the decades, numerous anecdotal accounts have reported examples of elephants getting drunk on marula fruit or stolen stashes of rice liquor. They cite the elephants’ inebriation as the cause of countless fatal attacks on humans.

There is even video evidence:

Of course all of these stories have been proven false, thanks to the tireless efforts of Science to debunk the fallacious accounts. It is true that elephants enjoy the taste of alcohol, whether it be Marula fruit, gin, or Maker’s Mark*. But it would be virtually impossible for elephants to actually get drunk because of their massive size and the vast amounts of water they consume daily.

In related news, Paris Hilton has added two Asian Elephants to her entourage.

*I could actually find no credible evidence that elephants like the taste of alcohol except for the following quote from friend of Science, Steve Morris: “Elephants indisputably like booze, especially Asian elephants where we have many reports of them getting into rice-wine stores and drinking the stuff.” Looks like someone needs to look up indisputably in the dictionary. He might also want to check out inconceivable while he’s at it, and save himself the return trip.

Writing — 2 Comments
28
Oct 09

A Great Companion For Long Road Trips

Science made a new announcement today. Apparently, cockroaches do not have to urinate in order to survive. They recycle all of their own waste and turn it back into usable materials. Roaches really are the pinnacle of evolution.

The ability to reuse their own waste originates from their symbiotic relationship with an unusual microbe known as Blattabacterium. According to Science, this microbe breaks down waste uric acid and turns it into ammonia and urea, which it then uses to construct amino acids and repair cell membranes.

Because it reuses the normally toxic uric acid rather than expelling it, cockroaches need far less water than most species. This microbe, therefore, is one of the keys to the cockroach’s extreme durability.

Now that Science has discovered how cockroaches are such perfect little recycling machines, the path forward is clear: Voluntary Human Extinction. When faced with such an optimum example of life, we must do what Kasparov did against Deep Blue, and knock over our own king.

Long live the roaches.

← Older Entries

Optimized by SEO Ultimate