Posts Tagged: Orcs

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17
Feb 12

Why LOTR Sucks: It’s Over Now

With these words, Rudy declares the movie over. The ring has been destroyed. Gollum is dead, but at least he died happy. Everyone has gotten their very own slow motion close-up. The orcs were all killed when the ground collapsed (though none of the humans were harmed). The Eye of Sauron is no more.

I figure we have about five more minutes to wrap everything up and I can go back to leading a normal life. Thank god.

Minutes Watched: 3.3:37.47

Number of Montages: 17

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 106

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17
Feb 12

Why LOTR Sucks: 300

Maybe Aragorn would have been better served watching another DVD, Frank Miller’s 300. Then he would have known that he should have attacked the orcs while they were bottlenecked in the gateway, rather than just waiting for them to surround their army on all sides.

It should also be noted that all the horses just disappeared from both armies, and everyone is on foot. I guess Sauron used his magic 8-ball eye to make all the horses disappear.

This scene is so poorly done, it seems silly I have to even point it out. Did no one else notice that during this battle, not only did the horses disappear, not only did Gandalf and Aragorn cede the advantage they had, but the actual terrain changed? They were lined up for battle on a bit of an incline, but when the orcs surround them, this incline has disappeared. What were you thinking, Academy voters?

Minutes Watched: 3.3:23.13

Number of Montages: 17

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 68

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17
Feb 12

Why LOTR Sucks: Freeeeedom!!!!!!!!

It’s pretty obvious that Aragorn just recently watched the DVD of Braveheart. He certainly picked up some tips on how to give a rousing battle speech. The only thing missing is mooning some orcs.

If you pay attention closely, you’ll see that the army rides up on horses. Then when they are going into battle, they don’t have horses. When the orcs are first seen coming through the gate, they don’t have any horses. Yet, when they begin their charge, the orcs now have horses. I guess they stole them from the Gondor army (This was first pointed out to me by this website).

Minutes Watched: 3.3:21.38

Number of Montages: 17

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 68

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11
Feb 12

Why LOTR Sucks: Seriously?

What were women and children still doing in the outer ring of Gondor with the Orcs attacking? Wouldn’t someone have thought to move them to safety BEFORE the wall was breached? Does Sam have to do everything? I mean, he’s a little busy killing spiders and saving the world.

Minutes Watched: 3.2:30.50

Number of Montages: 17

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 67

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5
Feb 12

Why LOTR Sucks: I Know Orcs Are Dumb, But…

…can someone explain to me why they are trying to ambush the city by boat and yet are carrying lit torches with them?

Minutes Watched: 3.1:04.31

Number of Montages: 15

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 53

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4
Feb 12

Why LOTR Sucks: The Disappearing Army

Somehow, the course of retreating inside the keep, Theoden misplaced his army. It seems he has maybe twenty men left.

Other problems:

At the very last minute they decide they better send the women and children through the escape passage, although now it’s too late. Why they didn’t think to send them sooner is beyond me.

Orcs are terrified of horses, and will jump out of their way.

Theoden, still a dick.

The final shot of Gandalf leading the charge down the hill is laughably bad.

I hated this battle when I saw it in the theater, and I hate it more now. It’s a battle scene for children. There is no drama, terribly choreographed action, and a total disregard for realism. I’ve read it named among the best battle scenes ever filmed, alongside Braveheart and Saving Private Ryan.

Minutes Watched: 2.3:10.24

Number of Montages: 12

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 45

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4
Feb 12

Why LOTR Sucks: Legolas Goes Surfing

I just watched Legolas go surfing down the stairs on a shield while shooting arrows. I probably would have found this brilliant when I was twelve.

I also watched Gimli slide across granite, while wearing armor, in between the legs of an orc that he then stabbed with his axe. Then there was all the instances of Aragorn noticing important details all the way across the battlefield, in the dark, that no one else seemed to notice. Oh, and Legolas and Gimli kept pausing from battle to converse with each other.

My point is, the battle action isn’t what I would call…realistic.

Minutes Watched: 2.2:56.55

Number of Montages: 12

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 43

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28
Jan 12

Why LOTR Sucks: There Was A Mighty Duel

Was anyone else reminded of the world’s greatest tracker, Prince Humperdinck, as Aragorn magically pieced together the hobbits’ movements on the battlefield?

Here’s the problem with this sequence. First, we’ve already established that Aragon is a mystical tracker who can listen to the ground and know how fast their prey is traveling. We know that Legolas has superior hearing and eyesight. And we know that Gimli is short.

And yet for all that, the trio is caught unawares by the Riders of Rohan, who surprise them coming over a hill at full gallop. I think they would have heard them coming long before they got close. Then, during the conversation with the Riders, Eomer points out the plumes of smoke from the dead orcs. Somehow, none of the three had noticed until that moment.

It’s stupid things like this that really piss me off.

For the really picky, if you watch closely, you’ll see the scar on Merry’s head switch from one temple to the other.

Minutes Watched: 2.0:39.31

Number of Montages: 9

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 29

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27
Jan 12

Why LOTR Sucks: True Evil

I was watching another long montage, this one with a voice over by Saruman, and I realized the true nature of evil. Evil is very dirty. Evil also likes to burn trees.

By the way, this montage was again completely unnecessary. We already know that Saruman and Sauron are allied. We could have just had a scene where the orcs attack a village of Rohan and that would be enough to introduce the impending war.

Minutes Watched: 2.0:23.04

Number of Montages: 8

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 29

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27
Jan 12

Why LOTR Sucks: I Do Believe That Orc Has A British Accent

Or maybe it’s Scottish. Those Scottish are a sorry lot. I could see them as orcs.

Minutes Watched: 2.0:16.05

Number of Montages: 7

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 29

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