Posts Tagged: List

Writing — 4 Comments
13
Apr 12

Vegan Is The New Gay

In this day and age, everyone knows at least one vegan. It’s no longer something to be kept hidden, like a crazed murderer in the family. When you make your confession, “My daughter’s a vegan,” you’ll receive a sympathetic nod. “My niece is a vegan too.” You can now commiserate together.

But just because veganism is out in the open doesn’t mean we have to be nice about it. So here you go, the best ways to annoy the vegans in your life:

  • Repeatedly tell them why you could never be a vegan
  • Tell them how you were vegetarian once, but you couldn’t last
  • Make a big deal about how you went out of your way to make a vegan meal for them, even though you’d much rather be eating meat.
  • Insult Moby
  • Ask them if they can have sex with people who aren’t vegans
  • Point out that they are somehow failing as a true vegan because the dark chocolate candy bar they are eating was made on equipment that may have also handled dairy products
  • Tell them about how you watched Twilight the night before
  • Tell them how much you would miss cheese if you ever became a vegan

Be judicious with the way you employ the strategies on this list, or you might find a carrot stabbed in your eye.

Writing — 2 Comments
29
Dec 11

The Top 8 Most Anticipated Blog Posts Of 2012

What are you most looking forward to in the coming year? The Super Bowl in Indianapolis? The never-ending election coverage? Trailer #2 for The Hobbit?

Whatever your answer, I’m sure it includes reading The Chaos Factory. We have lots of promising new content coming out in the next calendar year, and we’re pleased to give you a sneak peak of all the fun:

#8 Ugg Boots

Since its inception, The Chaos Factory has been about one thing more than any other: Ugg Boots. We’ve compiled thousands of photos over the past 4 years, and we’ll be posting them all in one blowout extravaganza of boots. If you love Uggs, and the fact that you are reading this blog tells me that you do, you’ll love this post.

When to expect it: Early March

#7 Interview With Barack Obama

Normally, a presidential interview would rank higher, but seeing as Obama’s doomed to be a one termer, it’s not that big of deal.

When to expect it: Late October

#6 Live Updates On My Life

It seems people can’t get enough of my daily life. When I published my daily routine, site traffic went through the roof and I had to add a second server to handle it all*. To keep up with the demand, I’ll be posting more frequent updates on my daily life, including photos of what I’m eating, descriptions of my mood swings, detailed accounts of what I think at all times, etc. Be sure to follow my Twitter feed with up to the minute updates of my most recent blog posts.

When to expect it: Every day, starting January 1st

#5 Coverage Of The 27th Annual Paint Drying Competition

Every August, The Chaos Factory makes its way to Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan for the annual Paint Drying Competition, where the best competitors in the world gather to watch paint dry. This year, the featured color is Silhouette Gray.

When to expect it: Mid-August

#4 Poetry

The Chaos Factory has a new intern, 15-year-old Sarah Jeffries, and she’ll be sharing her latest poems on a regular basis. Topics will include why Jesse Eisenberg would make the best boyfriend, how much adults suck, love, death, and algebra class.

When to expect it: As Sarah sees fit

#3 Reread Of The Bible

The world’s greatest piece of literature, reread and blogged about. There will be charts to keep track of all the genealogies, long diatribes–with plenty of footnotes–explaining away all of the inconsistencies, and plenty of action as things start to heat up in the New Testament**. I’m especially looking forward to reading Leviticus.

When to expect it: Easter

#2 Breaking News On Unspecified Scandal

At some point in the next year, I will be the first blogger to publish a shocking scandal that will grab the world’s attention. I will cite several unnamed sources to corroborate the story. The scandal will be so startling that it will overwhelm the Internet. People will talk about this scandal on Twitter, post updates on Facebook, and read about it on the cover of People and US magazines. Jay Leno will do a particularly unfunny bit about the scandal in between his first and second guest. People will speculate about the career of the person at the center of the scandal, and many will condemn the lack of a contrite apology. After several weeks, people’s attention will turn to another, equally shocking scandal.

When to expect it: Sometime in 2012

#1 Coming Attractions in 2013

My favorite moment of 2012 comes when I predict what will be my favorite moments of 2013.

When to expect it: Late December

Please Note, this blog post expires at midnight on December 31st, 2011

*Most of this traffic came from James Franco

**Spoiler Alert: Jesus dies before the end

Writing — No Comments
27
Feb 10

The Most Beloved Characters From Harry Potter

Harry Potter is a series of children’s books revolving around a young wizard and his battles against the evil dark wizard Voldemort. The books have proven very popular, and many people have read them. They have even been made into a movie franchise by Warner Brothers studios.

For those of you who have not read the books, Harry Potter dies at the end, but only for a short time. He comes back to life and kills Voldemort. For much of the series, you are not sure if Professor Snape is good or evil. It turns out that he is good. Several people die along the way, including Sirius Black, Dumbledore, Snape, and Hedwig. Knowing that they will die before hand will probably ruin the suspense for you, so if you have not read the books or seen the movie, avoid finding out this information.*

#13 Ron Weasley

Simpson Character Most Resembled: Millhouse

Greatest Moment: Gets to snog Lavender Brown

#12 Hedwig

Simpson Character Most Resembled: Snowball I

Greatest Moment: Delivers Harry’s 13th birthday present from Hermione all the way from France.

#11 Neville Longbottom

Simpson Character Most Resembled: Ralph Wiggum

Greatest Moment: Manages to produce a Patronus

#10 Hagrid

Simpson Character Most Resembled: Groundskeeper Willie

Greatest Moment: Trades for a dragon egg.

#9 Fred And George

Simpson Character Most Resembled: Sherri And Terri

Greatest Moment: Their grand exit ruins Professor Umbridge’s day.

#8 Cho Chang

Simpson Character Most Resembled: Laura Powers

Greatest Moment: Spends most of Order Of The Phoenix in tears.

#7 Draco Malfoy

Simpson Character Most Resembled: Nelson Muntz

Greatest Moment: Nods his head to Harry at the end of book seven.

#6 Bellatrix Lestrange

Simpson Character Most Resembled: Scratchy

Greatest Moment: Kills Sirius Black

#5 Sirius Black

Simpson Character Most Resembled: Herbert Powell

Greatest Moment: Reveals that he never betrayed James and Lily

#4 Albus Dumbledore

Simpson Character Most Resembled: Grampa

Greatest Moment: Escapes from the Minister of Magic and his lieutenants.

#3 Ginny Weasley

Simpson Character Most Resembled: Maude Flanders

Greatest Moment: Takes over as Seeker.

#2 Severus Snape

Simpson Character Most Resembled: Principal Skinner

Greatest Moment: Has an opera written about him.

#1 Hermione Granger

Simpson Character Most Resembled: Lisa Simpson

Greatest Moment: The Yule Ball

*Spoiler Alert

Please note this blog post was written without having read or seen any of the Harry Potter books or movies and was lifted entirely from Wikipedia.

Writing — No Comments
26
Feb 10

The Most Fantastic Blog Posts

Sadly, the month of lists is almost over, but the Marmaduke movie keeps getting closer, to the joy of many.

With one of the last lists of the month, I wanted to take a look at my favorite blog on the Internet. My own. A few months ago, I migrated Dance With Sunflowers from blogspot over to The Chaos Factory. This list looks back at the best Dance With Sunflowers posts from before the move. Some of the formatting in these old posts is out of whack, but the insights are just as insightful as ever.

#9 The Best Example You Will Ever Find Of The Phantom Menace Syndrome Apart From The Phantom Menace Itself

Why You Should Read It: Because this was the first time I figured out I could use really long titles. Dinosaur Comics has since stolen my idea.

#8 Are Boots Really The Future Of Footwear?

Why You Should Read It: Seriously. Boots. They are our future.

#7 Conqueror Of The Old Northwest

Why You Should Read It: Because this was my first mailbag.

#6 Don’t Let These Facts About Robber Barons Fool You. They Are True!

Why You Should Read It: Everybody loves facts!

#5 Conscientious Objector

Why You Should Read It: This was my very first blog entry. I don’t know what possessed me to start writing a blog, but I knew that it could not be random reflections on my day to day life. Instead, it is random reflections about the world at large.

#4 The Most Preposterous Pleasurable Pop

Why You Should Read It: It was the very first list, ever.

#3 Francis Bacon And The Sorceror’s Stone

Why You Should Read It: One of my all time favorite posts, representing everything this blog is about, especially the blending together of serious intellectual reflection with the absurd.

#2 Obamania

Why You Should Read It: Because it was incredibly prescient. Just after the election, well before Obama was inaugurated, I wrote the following: “I think people will find that a lot less change will occur than they were hoping for. Obama is a Democrat, and as long as America embraces this two party system, our government will be controlled by a cabal of big business and special interests, with a slight drift from right to left depending on which party is in power. The erosion of our individual rights will continue, and more power and wealth will congregate in fewer hands.” Let’s just say that anyone who is disappointed that Obama has not been progressive enough should have seen it coming.

#1 Vegan Time Traveling

Why You Should Read It: Because it’s the only ethical way to travel through time.

Please note that this blog post was written while watching Olympic curling.

Writing — 6 Comments
25
Feb 10

The Most Exquisite Works Of Art Ever Created

Benjamin Franklin coined the phrase “Beauty, like supreme dominion, is but supported by opinion.”* But Franklin was wrong.

According to my friend Science, beauty is a combination of qualities, such as shape, color, or form, that pleases the aesthetic senses. Using a complex algorithm that has been thoroughly supported through experimental research, Science has definitively ranked the most exquisite works of art.

#11 Guernica

Creator: Pablo Picasso

What sets it apart: Picasso’s most famous painting, he applies his Cubist style to the bombing of the Basque village of Guernica. The painting graphically exhibits the atrocities of war. Since its creation, Guernica has become a symbol of peace, and is frequently touted as a monumental anti-war emblem. Every leader should have to sit in front of this painting for an hour before voting their country to war.

#10 Ryoan-Ji Temple

Creator: The Sound Of One Hand Clapping

What sets it apart: The pinnacle of Zen architecture, Ryoan-ji, located to the Northwest of Kyoto, houses the famous Karesansui Garden. Everything about the temple espouses its main theme, “What one has is all one needs.” The key ingredient in true art is artlessness.

#9 The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock

Creator: T. S. Eliot

What sets it apart: If nothing else, the lines:


Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
for decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

Eliot elegantly summarizes the paradox of human existence, that an entire lifetime can be contained inside a single moment, yet all our seemingly endless days are not enough to fulfill us. We look forward at our beginning, and look backward at our end, and never make full use of the moment at hand. Maybe we should spend more time in Ryoan-ji

#8 The Iliad

Creator: Homer

What sets it apart: In one, beautiful, elegaic, epic poem, Homer summarizes what war and love and pride mean to an entire culture. In Achilles, the tragic hero, we have literature’s greatest example of the defiant one, who refuses to bow before his king in the face of injustice. But his defiance costs him dearly, and he eventually throws his life away in the name of avenging his slain companion. In so doing, Achilles reveals the greatest secret of The Iliad, that we in fact have the ability to determine our own fate.

#7 Citizen Kane

Creator: Orson Welles

What sets it apart: Sure it revolutionized filmmaking, with its use of deep focus and special effects, but the real importance of Citizen Kane is the inspiration it provided for Charles Montgomery Burns.

#6 Snow Man, 1989

Creator: The Scott Family

What sets it apart: In the aftermath of the great blizzard of ’89, and clearly inspired by Calvin and Hobbes, Walter Scott, his wife Diane, and their children, Richie and Hannah, set about building the greatest snowman of all time. The fact that it melted 3 days later only adds weight to its poignancy.

#5 Hamlet

Creator: William Shakespeare

What sets it apart: Any truly great work of art, from The Epic Of Gilgamesh to Snowman, 1989, centers on one theme, and one theme alone, the futility of human existence. Hamlet, thanks to the perfidy of his Uncle, contemplates suicide. Instead, he decides to expend his life fighting for love and justice. But in the end, does it really matter?

#4 The Ingenious Hidalgo Don Quixote of La Mancha

Creator: Miguel Cervantes

What sets it apart: Don Quixote: madman, idealist, the butt of jokes. But he didn’t care, because he truly understood the human condition, that we create our own reality.

#3 Dogs Playing Poker

Creator: Cassius Coolidge

What sets it apart: Subversive without being demeaning, Dogs Playing Poker points out the animal in all of us. More importantly, the painting symbolizes that working class art has a place in our culture, despite what certain pretentious art critics might say.

#2 Requiem Mass In D Minor

Creator: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

What sets it apart: The Requiem is scored for 2 basset-horns in F, 2 bassoons, 2 trumpets in D, 3 trombones (alto, tenor & bass), timpani (2 drums), violins, viola and basso continuo (cello, double bass, and organ or harpsichord). The vocal forces include soprano, alto, tenor, and bass soloists and an SATB mixed choir.

#1 David

Creator: Michelangelo

What sets it apart: If all the works of art ever created suddenly sprung to life, and they subsequently fought in a gigantic cage match, David would totally win.

*Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

Please note that this blog post was published posthumously

Writing — No Comments
24
Feb 10

The Most Disenchanted Youth

One of Marmaduke’s most endearing qualities is his refusal to bow to authority. Of course when you are a Great Dane, it’s authority that needs to bow to you.

In celebration of the Marmaduke movie, which comes out in exactly 99 days, here are history’s most disenchanted youth.

(For new readers to the blog, we are celebrating the upcoming release of Marmaduke with an entire month of lists. Click here to start at the beginning.)

#8 Aladdin

Quote: I’m not worthless! And I don’t have fleas!

#7 Jim Stark

Quote: I don’t know what to do anymore. Except maybe die.

#6 Maggie Tulliver

Quote: I’ve never any pity for conceited people, because I think they carry their comfort about with them.

#5 Joan Of Arc

Quote: One life is all we have and we live it as we believe in living it. But to sacrifice what you are and to live without belief, that is a fate more terrible than dying.

#4 Holden Caufield

Quote: I’m the most terrific liar you ever saw in your life. It’s awful. If I’m on my way to the store to buy a magazine, even, and somebody asks me where I’m going, I’m liable to say I’m going to the opera. It’s terrible.

#3 Calvin

Quote: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.

#2 Catherine And Heathcliff

Quote: You teach me how cruel you’ve been – cruel and false. Why do you despise me? Why did you betray your own heart, Cathy? I have not one word of comfort. You deserve this. You have killed yourself. Yes, you may kiss me, and cry, and wring out my kisses and tears; they’ll blight you – they’ll damn you. You loved me–then what right had you to leave me? What right–answer me–for the poor fancy you felt for Linton? Because misery, and degradation and death, and nothing that God or Satan could inflict would have parted us, you, of your own will, did it. I have not broken your heart–you have broken it; and in breaking it, you have broken mine.

#1 Huckleberry Finn

Quote: After supper she got out her book and learned me about Moses and the Bulrushers and I was in a sweat to find out all about him; but by and by she let it out that Moses had been dead a considerable long time; so then I didn’t care no more about him, because I don’t take no stock in dead people.

Please note that this blog entry was written after a trip to the dentist.

Writing — No Comments
23
Feb 10

The Most Tremendous Private Detective Comedies Starring Chevy Chase

The private detective comedy has a long, illustrious tradition. Placing a humorous spin on iconic roles from Humphrey Bogart and Fred MacMurray, the comedic detective can be just as hard boiled, but often teeters on the absurd. Outstanding examples include Elliot Gould as Philip Marlowe in Raymond Chandler’s The Long Goodbye, and James Garner in The Rockford Files.

But perhaps no one has inhabited the genre as thoroughly as Chevy Chase. Without further ado, here are the highlights of Chevy Chase’s career as a detective:

#1 Fletch

Why: Chase is hilarious in perhaps the funniest movie of all time. But what separates Fletch from its peers is that the story is so strong. Most Detective comedies focus too much on the comedy, and forget that you need a good mystery. But from the moment Mr. Stanwyck announces he will pay Fletch $50,000 to murder him, the guessing begins. Aided by unparalleled career turns from Tim Matheson, George Wendt, Joe Don Baker, Dana Wheeler-Nicholson, and Larry Jenkins, Fletch is undeniably the greatest private detective comedy of Chase’s career.

Writing — No Comments
22
Feb 10

The Most Stinging One-Liners From Groucho Marx

After last week’s post on Oscar Wilde, the people have been clamoring for the other side of the equation. So here we present the best one-liners from Groucho Marx, the only man to successfully match wits with Wilde.*

If you have never seen Duck Soup, you should take the next hour of your day to finally do so. Thanks YouTube!

#11 Before I speak, I have something important to say.

#10 It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

#9 She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.

#8 I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I’d rather dance with the cows until you come home.

#7 My favorite poem is the one that starts ‘Thirty days hath September’ because it actually tells you something.

#6 Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.

#5 Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

#4 I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

#3 I’ve been looking for a girl like you — not you, but a girl like you

#2 He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

#1 I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

*Not True. William Shakespeare also successfully matched wits with him, and there is anecdotal evidence that Bob Saget did as well.

Writing — No Comments
18
Feb 10

The Top Chinese Actors

Thanks to Zhang Yimou, Chen Kaige, and Wong Kar-Wai, Chinese cinema has grown increasingly popular over the last decade. The irony of course is that any mainland movie that finds success overseas is lambasted at home for catering to a Western Audience. And don’t ask a Chinese woman what she thinks about Zhang Ziyi, unless you want to be lectured for the next hour.

You may not realize how many sensational Chinese actors there are, because when they cross over to Hollywood they star in movies like Miami Vice and Rush Hour 3. But you can’t go wrong with these actors in their native language:

#11 Michelle Yeo

Best Movie: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

#10 Chow Yun-Fat

Best Movie: Hard Boiled

#9 Jet Li

Best Movie: Fist Of Legend

#8 Andy Lau

Best Movie: Infernal Affairs

#7 Jackie Chan

Best Movie: Rumble In The Bronx

#6 Gong Li

Best Movie: Raise The Red Lantern

#5 Bruce Lee

Best Movie: Enter The Dragon

#4 Wang Fei

Best Movie: Chungking Express

#3 Tony Leung

Best Movie: In The Mood For Love

#2 This Guy

Best Movie: Blade Runner

#1 Maggie Chung

Best Movie: In The Mood For Love

Writing — No Comments
17
Feb 10

The Most Important Chinese Inventions

Chinese inventors have historically been given the shaft. People like Guttenburg and Aristotle are given credit for inventions that originated in China centuries earlier.

Of course, in the 21st century, Chinese inventors are enacting their revenge, stealing everything from car designs to medicine and slapping a Chinese brand on it.

The West can cry and complain all it wants, but you know what they say about payback.*

#11 Zoetrope

Date: 180 AD

Why It’s Important: Has been the inspiration for thousands of school boys to draw crude cartoons on the pages of their textbooks.

#10 Coffin

Date: 5000 BC

Why It’s Important: Without coffins, where would vampires sleep?

#9 Tofu

Date: 10th Century AD

Why It’s Important: One word: Tofurkey

#8 Bell

Date: 2000 BC

Why It’s Important: How else would you know where your cows are?

#7 Compass

Date: 1st Century AD

Why It’s Important: Although the Chinese did not realize it might be used in navigation until a millennium later, the compass was an integral part in divination and geomancy ceremonies.

#6 Printing

Date: 650 AD

Why It’s Important: A lot easier for Confucius to get the word out about his righteous kegger when he could print up the fliers rather than hand draw each one.

#5 Alcohol

Date: 7000 BC

Why It’s Important: Confucius would have no need for the printing press otherwise.

#4 Fork

Date: 2000 BC

Why It’s Important: Considering the fork was invented a thousand years before chopsticks, yet nobody in China actually uses the fork, even today, perhaps it wasn’t that important.

#3 Gunpowder

Date: 1044

Why It’s Important: Gunpowder would allow Western Powers to conquer China more than 800 years later. Some might call that ironic.

#2 Paper

Date: 2nd Century BC

Why It’s Important: Directly led to the invention of the spitball one year later.

#1 Flamethrower

Date: 10th Century AD

Why It’s Important: How else can Calvin fight the monsters under his bed?

*It’s a bitch

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