Posts Tagged: Gollum

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17
Feb 12

Why LOTR Sucks: It’s Over Now

With these words, Rudy declares the movie over. The ring has been destroyed. Gollum is dead, but at least he died happy. Everyone has gotten their very own slow motion close-up. The orcs were all killed when the ground collapsed (though none of the humans were harmed). The Eye of Sauron is no more.

I figure we have about five more minutes to wrap everything up and I can go back to leading a normal life. Thank god.

Minutes Watched: 3.3:37.47

Number of Montages: 17

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 106

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11
Feb 12

Why LOTR Sucks: So So Awful

Every time Peter Jackson changes the story to fit his vision of what the Lord of the Rings should be, it leads to unforeseen consequences down the line. When Sam was ordered away by Frodo (never happened in the book) I assumed he would just follow behind because that’s who Sam is. He is completely loyal to Frodo and would never abandon him. Sam knows that the ring is warping Frodo’s mind.

But Peter Jackson decides Sam isn’t all that loyal after all. Sam starts climbing down the steps, heading back to the Shire I suppose. Then he slips and falls, coming to a stop right next to the lembas bread that Gollum threw over the cliff. What a brilliant coincidence, Peter Jackson! I bet Tolkien wishes he had thought of it himself. I’m sure that one will haunt him for the rest of eternity.

Seeing the bread reminds him of what a twat Gollum is, and Sam turns around, probably out of a sense of revenge. Because, you know, he isn’t loyal.

The scene does afford us three more slow motion close ups of hobbits crying, so I count the whole episode as a push.

Minutes Watched: 3.2:16.30

Number of Montages: 17

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 61

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7
Feb 12

Why LOTR Sucks: Leave Well Enough Alone

What possessed Peter Jackson to think he could write a better story than J.R.R. Tolkien? I suppose he thought he was being cinematic, but there’s nothing about Frodo sending Sam away that makes it a better story than Tolkien’s. Just because people are yelling at each other doesn’t make it dramatic. Having Gollum try to turn Frodo and Sam against each other isn’t original. It’s funny to think that an adaptation of a novel could be derivative, but Peter Jackson manages it. He robs from Star Wars. He robs from Shakespeare. He robs from B movies.

I guess he needed an excuse here to fit in some slow motion tears.

Minutes Watched: 3.1:29.10

Number of Montages: 16

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 54

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5
Feb 12

Why LOTR Sucks: A Bad Beginning

Or should we call it a rebeginning? Or the tribeginning?

Whatever it is, I’m not sure why Peter Jackson feels the need to have all these flashbacks. What do we learn about Gollum? What do we learn about the ring? Not very much. Why have a flashback to show us what Gandalf already told us, unless we are getting something new? Something we didn’t already know. This flashback only makes sense if we didn’t already know how Gollum found the ring.

Of course, perhaps, this being three separate movies, there’s some need to recover old ground. I’m watching them back to back to back, so my demands as a viewer are different from someone watching them a year apart in the theater. Fair enough.

By the way, I’m six minutes in, and I have FOUR hours to go. I really wish I had the theatrical version right now.

Minutes Watched: 3.0:6.26

Number of Montages: 13

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 50

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4
Feb 12

Why LOTR Sucks: A Word About The Ents

I haven’t said much about Treebeard and the Ents. I was disappointed with their betrayal, but at the same time, I hadn’t been expecting much. Actually, I wouldn’t have been surprised if they had been left out all together. I figured they would be hard to portray, both visually and narratively. Peter Jackson did not do a good job in either regard but I am hard pressed to think how he could have significantly improved on them. The Ents are one of my favorite parts of the novels. They just don’t fit into the movie very well.

So I’ve finally managed to finish the second film. Pretty much everything about it sucked after the opening 20 minutes. Gollum was by far the best part.

Now there’s only one more to go. It’s supposed to be the best of the three. I don’t remember thinking too highly of it. I was actually kind of pissed when it won the Oscar. But it can’t be any worse than The Two Towers.

Right?

Minutes Watched: 2.3:33.48

Number of Montages: 13

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 50

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4
Feb 12

Why LOTR Sucks: Faramir To Frodo: Just Kidding

Sam gives a speech, with a montage in the background, and everyone cries (often in slow motion). Even Gollum. The speech is enough to make Faramir change his mind and let Frodo go. This is, of course, just after seeing Frodo try and give the ring to the black rider.

That has to be the saddest part about changing Faramir’s character. The exact moment when he would actually be justified in taking the ring from Frodo is the moment when he stops being a dick and lets them go on their merry way.

Minutes Watched: 2.3:24.45

Number of Montages: 13

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 50

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28
Jan 12

Why LOTR Sucks: Andy Serkis, Best Actor

What does it say about the movie that the best acting performance is given by a computer generated monster? Is it a triumph of film-making, or a travesty. I’d say it’s somewhere in between, but Peter Jackson sure takes a page out of the George Lucas book on how to direct. Gollum is up there with Yoda and Chewbacca in terms of memorable non-humans on film.

Too bad for Andy Serkis though. His performance is so good he’s been type cast as the guy in the motion capture suit.

Minutes Watched: 2.1:41.31

Number of Montages: 9

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 31

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28
Jan 12

Why LOTR Sucks: Just When Things Were Looking Up

So far, I’ve been happy with the second movie. I’m thinking that Peter Jackson has it figured out now. There’s no Liv Tyler. We haven’t had that many montages or slow motion close-ups of people crying. Gollum has been a pleasant surprise.

But here comes a black rider, this time riding a dragon of some sort, and I’m reminded of how badly I disliked the first movie. I have to remind myself to keep an open mind.

Minutes Watched: 2.0:50.52

Number of Montages: 9

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 29

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27
Jan 12

Why LOTR Sucks: Gollum

I like Gollum. I mean I hate him, but I like how Peter Jackson portrays him on screen. He’s cowardly and vicious and craven and completely possessed by his desire for the ring. The computer generation is a bit dated, close to a decade after the fact, but at the time it was considered top notch (Especially when compared to some other visual effects from the movie, that weren’t so well done. Notice, every time a group of humans and hobbits are walking together, especially in the distance.)

We’re twelve minutes into the movie, and haven’t seen a single montage. It must be some kind of miracle.

Minutes Watched: 2.0:12.01

Number of Montages: 7

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 29

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26
Jan 12

Why LOTR Sucks: Ground Already Covered

Frodo spots Gollum following them in the mines, the perfect occasion to have a conversation about a topic that has already been discussed earlier. Now would have been the perfect time to introduce that Gollum once carried the ring. Or perhaps allowed a couple of glimpses of him first, tease the mystery, and then explain that Bilbo got the ring from him. It works for both readers of the book and people completely new to the story.

It’s far better than having a conversation about something that has already been shown.

Minutes Watched: 2:08.02

Number of Montages: 5

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 5

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