Posts Tagged: Faramir

Film/Video — 1 Comment
17
Feb 12

Why LOTR Sucks: 30 Second Films

The film school students among you might know of a genre of film making that involves extreme shorts. You try to make a complete narrative in as short a time as possible, sometimes as little as 15 seconds. It’s obvious that Peter Jackson, despite initial appearances, was a student of such courses.

He’s managed to break all Rom-Com records by having Faramir and Eowyn fall in love in a 30 second scene. He’s assembled a nearly twelve hour magnus opus, and he can only afford 30 seconds for two major characters to fall in love.

He even managed a slow motion close-up of someone crying, but they were bittersweet tears of joy, tears that come from knowing the man who raised you has died, but at the same time, you’ve just met the man you’re going to marry. But of course you were just in love with another man, and this man you’ve only met just a little while before, so maybe you’re rushing into things a little bit. Of course, this new man is handsome. He’s a steward, which isn’t quite as good as the king, but it’s still job security. Oh, and my arm still hurts from killing the witch-king.

All that, in thirty seconds. Bravo, Peter Jackson. The Academy Award on your mantle was well-earned.

Minutes Watched: 3.3:08.31

Number of Montages: 17

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 68

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7
Feb 12

Why LOTR Sucks: One Dick To Rule Them All

Or is that one ring?

Lord Denethor is supposed to be a huge dick. He’s one of the biggest dicks in the whole series. But because Peter Jackson felt the need to turn everyone else into a dick, his impact is greatly lessened. He’s just one more dick in a long line of dicks, what with Elrond, Theoden, Faramir, and the expanded role for Saruman.

That is, as they say, far too many dicks.

Minutes Watched: 3.1:15.32

Number of Montages: 16

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 53

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4
Feb 12

Why LOTR Sucks: Faramir To Frodo: Just Kidding

Sam gives a speech, with a montage in the background, and everyone cries (often in slow motion). Even Gollum. The speech is enough to make Faramir change his mind and let Frodo go. This is, of course, just after seeing Frodo try and give the ring to the black rider.

That has to be the saddest part about changing Faramir’s character. The exact moment when he would actually be justified in taking the ring from Frodo is the moment when he stops being a dick and lets them go on their merry way.

Minutes Watched: 2.3:24.45

Number of Montages: 13

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 50

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4
Feb 12

Why LOTR Sucks: The Really Extended Version

I just watched another 12 minutes and it was nearly inextinguishable from the previous 10. A lot of unlikely action on the battlefield, including people shouting to each other from a hundred yards away. Haldir was killed and in the greatest example of restraint Peter Jackson has ever shown, there wasn’t any crying (though he did die in slow motion). Merry yelled at the Ents. Gimli gets thrown across a chasm. Aragorn is every where at once.

We did get two very brief scenes with Frodo and Faramir the Dick. Add two more slow motion close-ups of somebody crying to the total.

Minutes Watched: 2.3:08.17

Number of Montages: 12

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 45

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2
Feb 12

Why LOTR Sucks: Faramir Is A Dick Too

I’ve figured out the pattern that Peter Jackson is following. He is taking all the heroic characters from Lord of the Rings and altering their personalities in one of several ways:

  • Turning them into comic relief (Gimli, Pippin, Merry, etc.)
  • Marginalizing them by having them cry, whine, or pine. (Frodo, Eowyn)
  • Making them into huge dicks (Elrond, Theoden, Galadriel)

The only characters spared this treatment are Gandalf, Aragorn, Bilbo, and to some extent Legolas (though he’s little more than eye candy and he’s kind of a dick at times too.)

The worst offense, by far, is what happens to Faramir. For no good reason whatsoever, Faramir goes from one of the novel’s greatest heroes to inexplicably dickish in The Two Towers. He tortures Gollum, decides to take the ring back to Gondor, and comes off as a bigger douche bag than his brother. No wonder his father hates him. I would too.

Making matters worse, we have some stupid explanation for why Frodo refuses to wear the ring when Faramir decides to take him to Gondor. He’s suddenly about to succumb to the ring’s power, so he can’t use the ring to escape. Yet he used the ring when Boromir was about to take it at the end of the first movie, and he will use the ring again in the third movie. But for this brief interlude, he must refuse for some reason, otherwise Peter Jackson’s added detour could never have happened.

Any fan of the books knows that changing Faramir’s character is sacrilegious. It totally goes against the spirit of the novels. Nor does the change serve any meaningful function in the movie.

Peter Jackson, I will never forgive you for this.

Minutes Watched: 2.2:29.24

Number of Montages: 10

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 39

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31
Jan 12

Why LOTR Sucks: The Extended Edition

For those of you who haven’t figured it out by now, I’m watching the extended edition. I know it might not be entirely fair to criticize what wasn’t the final cut of the movie, but it can illuminate what the screen writers intended with certain characters. Besides, it’s all I’ve got.

I have no idea if the flashback I just watched with Faramir and Boromir was in the theatrical version or not, but I really don’t care. Either way, it tells me that the screen writers thought the audience is stupid.

That the screenwriters think the audience is stupid is obvious by now. They keep repeating information. They keep giving us back story, some of it not even in the novels, as if we couldn’t figure out what was at stake on our own. But don’t feel bad about yourselves. I’m here to tell you that you’re not the stupid ones. It’s the number one rule of story telling that you should show, NOT tell. If Peter Jackson and his minions haven’t figured that out, it’s not your fault. Don’t let them make you feel bad about yourself.

Minutes Watched: 2.2:22.03

Number of Montages: 10

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 38

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28
Jan 12

Why LOTR Sucks: Oliphants

Sam always wanted to see Oliphants, and it’s nice for us to see them too. And here comes Faramir. I always liked Faramir. Everyone likes Faramir. I’m sure that you can ask most fans of the books and they’ll list Faramir among their favorite characters. The movie’s really going to get good, now that Faramir has arrived.

I’m officially at the halfway point. It’s taken me several days, and I have to go back to work on Monday. I may never finish. Pray for me to find the strength to continue.

Minutes Watched: 2.1:45.15

Number of Montages: 9

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 31

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26
Jan 12

Why LOTR Sucks: These Are The Ugly Elves

Contrary to popular belief, not all elves are beautiful. Lothlórien, where these elves are from, is the Eastern Kentucky of Middle Earth. This is not what you would call prime real estate after all, being just outside of Moria. Just like Kentuckians, these elves are isolated and inbred, as evidenced by their facial defects such as big noses (notice Haldir’s huge honker; he might as well be a brother to Boromir and Faramir) and five o’clock shadows. They are almost certainly looked down upon by the other elves, which is why Elrond will only communicate with Galadriel through telepathy.

These are the worst elves.

Minutes Watched: 2:29.35

Number of Montages: 5

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 19

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