Posts Tagged: Dinosaurs

Writing — No Comments
16
Jan 12

I Want To Be A Paladin

I just recently learned that Wizards of the Coast is initiating another money grab with a new edition of its popular role playing game Dungeons & Dragons. For those of you who have never played*, it’s a game where you dress up like Orcs and throw weirdly shaped dice at opponents’ heads until they pass out. Anyway, that’s what I’ve heard. I’ve never actually played myself.

This may seem like good news for geeks and trolls, but in reality this is ridiculous bullshit. Wizards of the Coast just released its fourth edition in 2008, and it was widely panned for its inconsistent quality and emphasis on game mechanics rather than role playing. Now, less than four years later, players are expected to invest in an entirely new edition just because WotC wants more of your money.

Except this time, they are asking for player feedback to help them write the new rules. Brilliant.

So, Wizards of the Coast, this is what we want to see in the new edition:

  • The Paladin should obviously be the most powerful character, because no one could ever defeat a paladin.
  • I want there to be lots and lots of rules, because there’s nothing more fun for someone playing a Paladin than to get to nitpick about the rules.
  • I want halflings to be called hobbits, and I want all wizard characters to be named either Gandalf or Dumbledore.
  • I want Rich Burlew of Order of the Stick to sketch a portrait of every one of my player characters, and to include them in his comic.
  • I want there to be more dinosaurs, because who doesn’t dream about fighting a T-rex with nothing but chain mail and a sword.
  • I want it to be cool to play Dungeons and Dragons again. If you have to blackmail Zac Efron into becoming a celebrity endorser using naked photographs of him snorting blow off the stomach of a dead prostitute with relics of a satanic ritual in the background**, just do what you have to do. You have my blessing.

Please note: This blog is a level 13 Paladin. Just because the blog has a few curses doesn’t mean it’s not still lawful good.

*Or at least those of you who won’t admit to playing.

**I know you’ve got Satanic relics. It’s Dungeons and Dragons!

Writing — No Comments
18
Aug 11

An Infestation Of Dinosaurs

I know it’s not a proper collective noun for dinosaurs, but anyone who knows anything about the Chaos Factory knows we definitely have an infestation.

Now they’ve taken to interacting. I think they may be plotting something. It’s never a good sign when your dinosaurs start communicating with each other. It may lead to this.

Photo By Sevensantana

These dinosaurs are clearly angry and I just don’t know what to do about it. Feed them more meat? Sing to them at night? Run away? It’s not like I can call up a paleontologist and ask. This isn’t Jurassic Park. They have no idea what dinosaurs were really like.

Photo By Sevensantana

On the surface, it appears these dinosaurs are much more amiable and responsible. They are talking about getting jobs. But that is exactly what’s so scary. They are trying to assimilate. If you think America has a problem with immigration now, wait until people start getting displaced from the workforce by dinosaurs. The American Worker won’t be able to compete.

Photo By Sevensantana

This is the worst one of all. A depressed dinosaur is a dangerous dinosaur. She could pose a risk both to herself and others.

I’m pretty sure this is just the beginning. Check back soon for information on how you can prevent an infestation of your own.

Please Note: This blog has way too many dinosaurs. Don’t try this at home.

You can follow Sevensantana here.

Writing — 1 Comment
5
Aug 11

Why Are You A Douche Bag And Other Frequently Asked Questions

Among our copious amounts of fanmail, we are always getting asked the same questions. I’ve compiled a list of the most frequently asked questions*, and provided the answers here. I know a bunch of retards are still going to ask the same questions, but now I can respond with a real snide email saying, “Look at the FAQ, dipshit.”

1. Are you gay? No, I’m not. In fact, I slept with your mom last night.

2. How can you square entropy? That’s scientifically impossible? First of all, the fact you asked the question tells me you are a douche bag. Second, I spoke with Science just the other day, and she assured me that squaring entropy is definitely possible. As long as you aren’t a douche bag.

3. Why should I pay for your blog when MSN offers their content for free? We’ll gladly accept your donations. Make all checks payable to The Chaos Factory and email them to doc@entropy2.com.

4. Who was responsible for the first Trans-Atlantic Telegraph Cable? Cyrus West Field, in 1892.

5. Dinosaurs or Killer Robots? Dinosaurs

6. I want to punch you in the face. Go ahead and try.

7. Why do you hate God? First, let me ask you a question. Just because I make fun of God every once in a while, why do you assume I hate God? I just think he can be a prick sometimes. Like the other day I was asking really nicely for a rainstorm to hit so I could avoid going to work, and he completely ignored me. I mean, it’s rained every day for like the last 4 weeks, and the one day I need it to rain, God ignores me. Classic prick behavior. But hey, we’re all pricks sometimes. I am a forgiving guy. I don’t hold it against him.

*Those on the inside like to refer to this kind of answer sheet as an FAQ.

Please Note: This blog does not like you, and wishes you would stop asking the same questions over and over again.

Writing — 5 Comments
28
Dec 10

A Ponderation Of Broken Hearts

Have you ever wondered where collective nouns came from? Or why we call a group of lions, a pride? Or a pride of fish, a school.

Well, wonder no more!

Collective nouns–such as an unkindness of ravens, a troubling of goldfish, and a bloat of hippopotami–may seem so perfect they must have been engraved on stone tablets at Mt. Sinai, but they weren’t. They were just made up.

This is a true fact!

Juliana Bernes, the one time prioress at St. Albans, made the entire list of collective nouns herself, all the way back in 1480. This begs many questions. Where did she come up with such fantastic names? Why are we still using them after so many years. And seeing as she was a Nun, was she divinely inspired, or just sexually frustrated? We’ll probably never know the answer.*

In any case, I made up my own list of collective nouns. Who knows why I did it**, but here they are:

  • A plague of tax collectors
  • An orchestra of rain clouds
  • A blueprint of architects
  • A mayhem of dinosaurs (meat eaters)
  • A hillock (sometimes prominence) of dinosaurs (plant eaters)
  • A quintessence of unicorns
  • A drama of princesses
  • A danger of original ideas
  • A rumble of dumptrucks
  • A rhythm of conspiracies
  • A songbook of solar systems
  • A ponderation of broken hearts
  • A claustrophobia of lawyers
  • A clown car of comedians
  • An obstacle of congressmen
  • A piggy bank of toys
  • A determination of heroin addicts
  • A hipflask of trouble
  • A legislation of senators
  • A declivity of ex-presidents
  • A stumbling of false starts
  • An ejaculation of republicans
  • A clusterfuck of democrats
  • A pap smear of orphans
  • A timetable of regrets
  • A lifetime of corpses
  • A stupor of hobos
  • A thimble of magicians
  • A closetful of homosexuals

Please don’t clutter the comments with your own collective nouns, as they will be far inferior to the ones provided here.

Please note, this blog post was written by a troop of monkeys writing on a titillation of typewriters

*She was sexually frustrated

**I was sexually frustrated

Writing — 2 Comments
23
Dec 09

The Dinosaur So Nice, They Had To Name It Twice

For the most part Science and I get along well. But sometimes it steps out of line.

Everyone, go to Wikipedia right now*. Look up Brontosaurus. Go ahead, type it in. Make sure you spell it correctly. Then hit return.

Were you as shocked as I was? Science has stolen the Brontosaurus away from us.**

Apparently some stupid fossil hunter in the late nineteenth century discovered a bunch of dinosaur bones. He named this new creature Apatosaurus. Then, a couple years later, he found another, even more awesome skeleton. This one he named Brontosaurus. Some other stupid paleo-jerkoffs pointed out these dinosaurs were the same genus.

Okay fine, whatever, they were using rocks for microscopes back then. The problem is even though Brontosaurus, meaning thunder lizard, is a way cooler name than Apatosaurus, which means deceptive lizard, they decided that since the latter came first, it would be the official name.

Well, guess what dead people? No one cares what you think. Science is not going to take Brontosaurus away from us.*** The next time someone says the name Apatosaurus, punch them in the kidney.****

That is all.

*Finish reading the directions, then go to Wikipedia. For our friends in China, here.

**This rhyme was 100% intentional.

***Again with the rhyming.

****Violence is wrong. I am in no way endorsing the use of violence as a means of conflict resolution. If you have to punch someone in the kidney, be polite about it.

Film/Video — No Comments
14
Nov 09

This Is Why I Went To Film School?

Bunnies look cute and innocent. But inside lurks a killer. Much like my films.

This is my first test film. I made it in about 45 minutes. Once I get settled in I will be working on several projects, but I wanted to get something up as a teaser of what’s to come.

Tiny Time Traveling Dinosaurs And Me from The Chaos Factory on Vimeo.

I know, I know. Everything is out of focus. Next time you can expect a lot better.

And yes, there will be more dinosaurs.

Writing — 1 Comment
18
Sep 09

T-Rex De Le Mancha


#2 Dinosaur Comics

See Introduction | #9|#8| #7|#6|#5|#4|#3

It would be natural to assume that one of the major appeals of the comic as an art form is the illustrations. Dinosaur Comics proves that you are wrong.

You see, in Dinosaur Comics, every strip has identical artwork. Panel 1, T-Rex in three quarters profile, tail extended behind him. Panel 2, close up on T-Rex, mouth agape in seeming excitement. Panel 3, the scene pulls out to reveal T-Rex stomping on a log cabin, with a car parked out front, and a female Dromiceiomimus glancing back at him. Panel 4, T-Rex about to step on a human, with restless Utahraptor standing behind him. Panel 5, T-Rex peering over his shoulder at Utahraptor. Finally, panel 6, T-Rex again alone, standing pigeon-toed.

With every strip visually identical, there is no story. Nothing happens. It is much akin to Calvin and Hobbes riding the sled down the hill. You know there will be a crash every time. The allure lays in the conversation.

And every day, T-Rex and his two friends have a new conversation. They muse on all manner of subject matter, including racism, epistemology, time travel, and space murder.

Over the years, we have learned that T-Rex is an everyman. He is also an overly enthusiastic man-child in love with himself. Most of all, he is a modern day Don Quixote, passionately committed to his vision of the world, and refusing to allow setbacks, society, God, or common sense prevent him from fully effectuating his own reality.

From reading this interview, I gather the author is much like his short-armed creation. Ryan North, I salute you. You have taken the art form of Internet comics to its pinnacle.

And by the way, to carry the comparison to Don Quixote to its logical conclusion: Utahraptor is Sancho Panza, Dromiceiomimus is Dulcinea, the log cabin is Rocinante, and the windmills are God.

Lyric Of The Day:

Dinosaurs lived a long time ago
They were terrible lizards don’t you know
Some ate plants and some ate meat
Some ate fish and some ate beasts
One was called Diplodocus
One was bigger than your school bus
One was called a Triceratops
Three horns to stop anything that hops
Now can’t you just see yourself walking along
Leading your pet Trachadon
Or feeding your Brontosaurus Rex
Or scratching your Diplodocus’ neck
Or riding on a Stegosaurus’ back
Or swimming in Brachiscaurus’ track
Oh what a time and oh what a fun
Playing tag with your Ignanondon
And if we had Dinosaurus now
Could they get along with a horse and a cow
Well I wish they hadn’t become extinct
Dinosaurus would be nice pets and friends
To have around to run outside
And play with every day don’t you think

“Dinosaur Song”
-Johnny Cash

Writing — No Comments
14
Sep 09

The Balloon Is A Metaphor, Which Represents A Balloon

#3 Daisy Owl

See Introduction | #9|#8| #7|#6|#5|#4

Popular entertainment is littered with strange, dysfunctional, and variegated nuclear families. The Brady Bunch brought together a family of all boys with a family of all girls. The Munsters included a Frankenstein, a vampire and a werewolf. Different Strokes told the story of a rich, white widower, his Caucasian daughter, and two sassy black children.

But Daisy Owl may just feature the most unorthodox nuclear family ever conceived. Two human children, Daisy and Cooper, are raised by their adoptive father, an owl, and his best friend Steve. Steve is a polar bear.

What sets Daisy Owl apart, besides the absurdity, is the tenderness it displays. It lacks the cynicism that has come to suffuse our popular culture, while not drifting too far into the saccharine. It pays attention to the minutiae: small gestures, a lingering touch, an awkward silence. I will go so far as to say that Daisy Owl is the Charlie Chaplin of webcomics.

To quickly catch up to speed with Daisy Owl, check out Daisy comforting Cooper after a bad dream. Or the whole family playing basketball. Or when Cooper finds a monocle.
Or dinner at the Owl residence. Finally, the balloon.

Best of all, Daisy Owl has an entire sub-culture of dinosaurs. As when Cooper plays with his toy dinosaur. Or Cooper and his birthday cake.

It just makes me wish that I had been raised by an owl and lived in a tree house.

Lyric Of The Day:

When your mother sends back all your invitations
And your father to your sister he explains
That you’re tired of yourself and all of your creations
Won’t you come see me, Queen Jane ?
Won’t you come see me, Queen Jane ?

Now when all of the flower ladies want back what they have lent you
And the smell of their roses does not remain
And all of your children start to resent you
Won’t you come see me, Queen Jane ?
Won’t you come see me, Queen Jane ?

Now when all the clowns that you have commissioned
Have died in battle or in vain
And you’re sick of all this repetition
Won’t you come see me, Queen Jane ?
Won’t you come see me, Queen Jane ?

“Queen Jane Approximately”
-Bob Dylan

Uncategorized — No Comments
7
Sep 09

It Is Also Well Drawn


#5 Dr. Mcninja

See Introduction | #9 |#8 | #7|#6

Do you remember when ninjas all of a sudden became really cool? It happened at about the same time robots became cool. And dinosaurs. And zombies.

Therein lies the beauty of Dr. McNinja: its mastery of our cultural zeitgeist. Dr. McNinja is not simply chasing after the latest iconography. It is creating it. The comic’s love affair with the pop of our times goes way beyond the pirate killing ninja protagonist. It includes his gorilla receptionist, Judy, and his raptor-mounted, bandit child sidekick, Gordito. Yes, he has faced off against zombies and vampires, but he has also fought the clone of Ben Franklin, and an antagonist known simply as the Ghost Wizard.

My favorite is the appearance of gun wielding dolphins. As the t-shirt says, dolphins don’t need thumbs…for revenge.

Dr. McNinja is unlike most comics you find on the Internet. It is not a single strip of panels, which always features a self-contained joke. It is also well drawn. Because it is instead modeled after a comic book, reading one panel will not mean much to you. It might just be a picture of the doctor driving with a wizard in his backseat. It might be a sketch of a giant lumberjack smashing the doctor’s office. The only way to truly appreciate the adventures of Dr. McNinja is the way God intended, from the beginning.

Dr. McNinja is always bizarre, and always fun and interesting, and worth reading from cover to cover. Except there is no cover. It’s a webcomic. And you can read it for free on the Internet. Awesome.

Lyric Of The Day:

If you were here
Would you calm me down
Or settle the score?
The feelings I fight (I’m a stranger in town)
Burn so bright (but if you were here)
The feelings I fight (would you ease my mind?)
(Come on!)

The sleep fled from my eyes
And I, I know that I need some
Give a thought to the one that you know

Or would you calm me down
When the breath gets shallow and fast?

“The Ghost Of You Lingers”
-Spoon

Writing — No Comments
28
Aug 09

Dinosaurs Are Notoriously Bad At Making Decisions


#8 Cat And Girl

See Introduction | #9

It’s been genetically proven that every new webcomic since 1995 is a direct descendent of Calvin and Hobbes. But not one is a more direct descendent than Cat and Girl.

You have a girl of undetermined age, accompanied by a cat of dubious reality. Together they muse on life, society and philosophy. The strip is even populated by the occasional dinosaur.

In the beginning (circa 1999), the strip tilted more towards Calvin’s imaginary world view, fighting monsters that jump out of paintings, or facing off against invaders from outer space.

But over the years, Girl has become a speed bump in the fast lane of society, worried, alarmed or disgusted by what the masses would term progress. Nearly every strip now is a rumination on life and the human condition. Cat breezes through, seemingly unconcerned with the world at large, determined to enjoy his own personal kingdom. He does his best to bring Girl joy and solace.

Cat tries to entice Girl into having more fun. Cat tries to comfort Girl when she realizes they are not part of the elite. He helps her choose between creation and destruction. And he consoles her when she wants to give up.

Life for Cat and Girl is usually not easy. Cat takes it all in with aplomb, unfazed. Girl accepts it with a bittersweet resignation. Together, they suggest two extreme ways to go about living life. For the rest of us, we are somewhere in between.

Lyric Of The Day:

Hello cowgirl in the sand
Is this place
at your command
Can I stay here
for a while
Can I see your
sweet sweet smile
Old enough now
to change your name
When so many love you
is it the same?
It’s the woman in you
that makes you want
to play this game.

“Cowgirl in the Sand”
-Neil Young

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