Posts Tagged: Boromir

Film/Video — No Comments
2
Feb 12

Why LOTR Sucks: Faramir Is A Dick Too

I’ve figured out the pattern that Peter Jackson is following. He is taking all the heroic characters from Lord of the Rings and altering their personalities in one of several ways:

  • Turning them into comic relief (Gimli, Pippin, Merry, etc.)
  • Marginalizing them by having them cry, whine, or pine. (Frodo, Eowyn)
  • Making them into huge dicks (Elrond, Theoden, Galadriel)

The only characters spared this treatment are Gandalf, Aragorn, Bilbo, and to some extent Legolas (though he’s little more than eye candy and he’s kind of a dick at times too.)

The worst offense, by far, is what happens to Faramir. For no good reason whatsoever, Faramir goes from one of the novel’s greatest heroes to inexplicably dickish in The Two Towers. He tortures Gollum, decides to take the ring back to Gondor, and comes off as a bigger douche bag than his brother. No wonder his father hates him. I would too.

Making matters worse, we have some stupid explanation for why Frodo refuses to wear the ring when Faramir decides to take him to Gondor. He’s suddenly about to succumb to the ring’s power, so he can’t use the ring to escape. Yet he used the ring when Boromir was about to take it at the end of the first movie, and he will use the ring again in the third movie. But for this brief interlude, he must refuse for some reason, otherwise Peter Jackson’s added detour could never have happened.

Any fan of the books knows that changing Faramir’s character is sacrilegious. It totally goes against the spirit of the novels. Nor does the change serve any meaningful function in the movie.

Peter Jackson, I will never forgive you for this.

Minutes Watched: 2.2:29.24

Number of Montages: 10

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 39

Start at the beginning

Film/Video — 2 Comments
31
Jan 12

Why LOTR Sucks: The Extended Edition

For those of you who haven’t figured it out by now, I’m watching the extended edition. I know it might not be entirely fair to criticize what wasn’t the final cut of the movie, but it can illuminate what the screen writers intended with certain characters. Besides, it’s all I’ve got.

I have no idea if the flashback I just watched with Faramir and Boromir was in the theatrical version or not, but I really don’t care. Either way, it tells me that the screen writers thought the audience is stupid.

That the screenwriters think the audience is stupid is obvious by now. They keep repeating information. They keep giving us back story, some of it not even in the novels, as if we couldn’t figure out what was at stake on our own. But don’t feel bad about yourselves. I’m here to tell you that you’re not the stupid ones. It’s the number one rule of story telling that you should show, NOT tell. If Peter Jackson and his minions haven’t figured that out, it’s not your fault. Don’t let them make you feel bad about yourself.

Minutes Watched: 2.2:22.03

Number of Montages: 10

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 38

Start at the beginning

Film/Video — No Comments
27
Jan 12

Why LOTR Sucks: A Note For Later

Boromir tries to take the ring, and Frodo puts it on to escape. I mention this now, because it becomes important later.

Minutes Watched: 3:01.25

Number of Montages: 7

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 21

Start at the beginning

Film/Video — No Comments
26
Jan 12

Why LOTR Sucks: These Are The Ugly Elves

Contrary to popular belief, not all elves are beautiful. Lothlórien, where these elves are from, is the Eastern Kentucky of Middle Earth. This is not what you would call prime real estate after all, being just outside of Moria. Just like Kentuckians, these elves are isolated and inbred, as evidenced by their facial defects such as big noses (notice Haldir’s huge honker; he might as well be a brother to Boromir and Faramir) and five o’clock shadows. They are almost certainly looked down upon by the other elves, which is why Elrond will only communicate with Galadriel through telepathy.

These are the worst elves.

Minutes Watched: 2:29.35

Number of Montages: 5

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 19

Start at the beginning

Film/Video — No Comments
26
Jan 12

Why LOTR Sucks: Watching The Weather Channel

It’s extra frustrating to think about all the bad choices that were made with regards to the script, as illustrated by the latest sequence. It seems Peter Jackson leaves in what he should have left out, and changes things that didn’t need to be changed. He added to scenes here, one of Boromir picking up the ring after it mysteriously falls off Frodo’s neck and falls several yards in front of him. It establishes that Boromir is sorely tempted by the ring. Or should I say it reestablishes, because we already know that Boromir wants the ring. He said as much during the council.

Then we watch them climbing a mountain in the snow. A beautiful mountain to be sure, but the scene certainly lacks drama. We get to watch as Gandalf and Saruman have some kind of long distance wizard battle that involves lightening and avalanches and a lot of voice over narrative about why Gandalf is scared of Moria. Yeah, that’s the best way to introduce the idea.

Obviously the filmmakers wanted to emphasize that Gandalf is reluctant to go to Moria, but is this really the best way to do it? With a Saruman voice over? Why not cut straight to Moria, and explain somehow that it’s dangerous, but the only way. Well, I guess they were paying Christopher Lee either way, so might as well cram him into as many scenes as possible.

Worst of all, Gandalf lets Frodo decide their path. That’s what I would do, allow the least equipped person to make a life and death decision for the group when at least five other people are better able to do so.

Minutes Watched: 1:57.47

Number of Montages: 5

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 4

Start at the beginning

Film/Video — 2 Comments
26
Jan 12

Why LOTR Sucks: What I Learned During The Council Scene

  1. Boromir is a total jerk, a jerk that is well played by Sean Bean.
  2. Dwarves aren’t very bright.
  3. Elrond isn’t the only elf with a stick up his ass. I thought elves were supposed to be fun loving and gay.
  4. Frodo has a serious migraine.
  5. So does Boromir.
  6. Dwarves and elves don’t get along.
  7. The ring can only be destroyed in the fires of Mordor, which seems like a shitty place to take a vacation.
  8. Nothing rallies a group of people together like a Hobbit saying that he’ll take the ring himself.
  9. In a movie with a lot of cheesy scenes, this one may be the cheesiest.
  10. Hobbits aren’t very bright.

Also, we get three slow motion close ups, and Gandalf may or may not have a tear in his eye, so let’s count this as one slow motion close-up of someone crying.

Minutes Watched: 1:45.39

Number of Montages: 4

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 3

Start at the beginning

Film/Video — No Comments
26
Jan 12

Why LOTR Sucks: Lots Of Talk

I’ve read that the filmmakers thought they needed to introduce Liv Tyler’s character to the movies so that it was clear why Aragorn did not want to marry Éowyn. I believe the real reason is that everyone involved wanted to have a love interest in the first movie to draw in a female audience. Unfortunately, I think her presence does nothing but detract from the story. Their relationship does not grow through the plot. She is ever present, like a ghost in your attic or herpes. J. R. R. Tolkien’s characters are rich and alive. The characters and scenes added by Peter Jackson are stilted and cliched.

Because Jackson has no idea how to structure or pace a movie, we’re now stuck in the middle of a lot of conversation that throws a lot information at the viewer. Some of that information was already explained in the opening monologue, again proving it was unnecessary. We get a lot of close ups of Liv Tyler about to cry, but not quite. We get an introduction to Boromir, who is perfectly cast. We hear some drivel about why Aragorn is scared to be king, which doesn’t really make sense.

All I know for sure is Liv Tyler’s presence in the movie is it’s greatest sin.

Minutes Watched: 1:37.34

Number of Montages: 4

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 2

Start at the beginning

Writing — No Comments
22
Jun 11

Ways To Spoil Game Of Thrones

These days, it seems that if you want your blog to be taken seriously, you have to start offering spoilers. In that spirit, I thought it was time The Chaos Factory got in on the action. Having just finished watching season one of Game Of Thrones, here are some hot spoilers that will be sure to ruin your enjoyment of the series.

First of all, if you’re watching Game Of Thrones, do not start thinking about a Dan Brown movie. If you start comparing GOT to TDC, you’ll see similarities everywhere: in the melodramatic plot, in the stylized characters that serve only to further the plot along, in the blatant misogyny. And that’s not to mention the constant reliance on cheap cliff-hangers to drive suspense. Whatever you do, while you’re watching Game Of Thrones, do not think about Dan Brown.*

Next, you can’t make any comparisons between Lord Stark and Boromir. Don’t do it. It will only lead to heartbreak.

Finally, the best way to spoil Game Of Thrones is to point out that watching midgets have sex is a terrible way to spend your time. Seriously. What is wrong with you? Do something productive like cure cancer or solve a Rubik’s cube.

So there you go. Enjoy having Game Of Thrones spoiled for you, and please tell everyone you know about the site. We’ll be spoiling plenty more in the days to come.**

Please Note: This blog has nothing against midgets having sex in the privacy of their tiny little homes.

*This spoiler works equally well with the novels.

**Spoiler alert

Optimized by SEO Ultimate