Posts Tagged: Babies

Writing — No Comments
9
Jan 12

My Avocados Are Missing

Have you ever wondered why avocados are so expensive? Maybe you thought it was because they are imported all the way from Mexico. Except that thanks to NAFTA, all our cocaine and avocados should be dirt cheap now.

No, the reason avocados are like 3 bucks a pop (at least where I live) will surprise you: The babies are taking them. The same babies that are plotting with the democrats to destroy our way of life.

Babies love avocados. This is a true fact. And they are stealing them right from under our noses.

Let this be a warning to all you babies out there. If you try and steal another one of my avocados, I will kick you. My lawyer tells me this is perfectly legal.*

Please Note: This blog does not advocate buying drugs from Mexico. Buy American Drugs! Go USA!

*Although my lawyer has a notoriously spotty track record, I trust him on this one. I mean it’s just common sense, right?

Writing — 2 Comments
20
May 11

Logistical Questions I Have In Regards To The Impending Rapture

We all know that tomorrow is the end of the world. I hope you’re not on God’s naughty list, or you’ll be headed towards an eternity of heat and sodomy. Of course, maybe you’re into that kind of thing. I’m not here to judge.

In any case, no matter how hip to the word of the Lord we might be, even the most devout among us probably have some questions we want answered about the impending rapture. If you know the answers, please be so kindly as to provide them in the comments below. I’m sure that there will be plenty of knowledgeable Christians surfing the net in their last few hours here on Earth.

1. What happens to all my books? Some people are understandably worried about their pets, but I don’t have any, and I don’t really care about a bunch of stupid animals and babies anyway. But I do have a lot of books. Can I take them with me up to Heaven? Or will there be some kind of library system?

2. Is there a dress code? Should I be wearing my tuxedo tomorrow in anticipation? Or is it more of a business casual type of affair?

3. What should I say to the people close to me who don’t get picked for Team God? I’ll be honest with you. My friends here are not what you would call bible humpers. They are almost certainly going to Hell. I’m worried that as I’m ascending up to Heaven, there will be a few awkward moments where I’ll be expected to say something encouraging. Any suggestions?

4. Who would win in a fight between Ben Franklin and the Devil? Strictly speaking, this isn’t a Rapture question, but it’s my last day to get an answer.

5. I’m sensitive to loud sounds. Should I be wearing ear plugs tomorrow? I know there’s going to be a lot of trumpeting and whatnot. But I’m worried that if I am wearing ear plugs, I won’t notice it’s time and I’ll miss the rapture all together.

6. Wait a minute. Didn’t Christ give his life so that all who have sinned would be saved? Didn’t he go down to Hell and bring forth all of the sinners who had ever lived and died and bring them up to Heaven? Won’t everyone be saved during the rapture?

7. Some people say the World will end this year. Others, like Roland Emmerich, say it’s going to end in 2012. Who’s right?

8. What happens if the Rapture doesn’t happen tomorrow? I quit my job this week, sold my car and house, and took the money and went on a wild bender in Las Vegas. It will be might embarrassing if the Rapture gets postponed. What kind of contingency plans are in place for Christians who shot their wad a little early?

Thanks to everyone for your help. May God have mercy on your soul.

Please Note: This blog, a God-fearing, Christian Blog, also expects to be raptured. So after tomorrow, it will be gone. You’ll only be able to access it through Google’s cache.

Writing — No Comments
17
May 11

Nothing That An Ad On Craig’s List Can’t Fix

Perhaps you think you have it bad. Maybe you were recently fired from your job at Microsoft for incompetence. Or a dingo just ate your baby, but the police are convinced you ate your baby instead. Then there’s the tumor growing on the back of your skull. You were scared it might be cancer, but it turns out it’s a nest of spider eggs.

But cheer up. At least you aren’t this tree.

It seems that the cycad is the only one of its species left on the entire planet. It’s pathetic little pine cone will forever hang lonely from its branches, completely incapable of fulfilling its singular ambition in life.

If that ain’t some shit.

Please Note: This blog does not endorse baby eating, by dingos or otherwise. Except in the name of science, of course.

Writing — 1 Comment
18
Dec 10

In Which An Important Decision Must Be Made

The following email comes courtesy of Emmy S. No wait, that’s too obvious. E. Smith. Okay, let’s just call her Franklin.

Here’s what I got: There are microbial mats that have this really strange metabolism that can both oxidize and reduce elements (in this case sulfur). These algal mats (and biology in general) are really lazy and prefer to take up the lightest available isotope. This is a process known as fractionation. Anyway, these algal mats were fractionating sulfur isotopes like mad in the early oceans, and we’re able to see this record in ancient rocks that we find today. The sulfur isotope record can actually tell us when different metabolisms (sulfate reducing, sulfate reducing/oxidizing) arose. And because these weird oxidizing and reducing algal mats needed oxygen for some of the intermediate metabolic stages, they must have lived close to the surface of the ocean and there ***must have been oxygen in the atmosphere***. This is very important and the timing of the rise of these algal mats has implications for the timing of the Great Oxidation Event (our atmosphere wasn’t always oxygenated). Very exciting.

You know another thing i’m working on? Snowball earth. Have i told you about this? This is the theory that there were at least two complete global glaciations, that two times in history the earth was a giant snowball. this is a highly contentious theory, at least in some circles. there are many scientists that would bet their lives on the slushball earth hypothesis. so what do you think: snowball or slushball? another mini/maybe major project of mine is working on small shelly fossils. that is actually the scientific name for the little buggers. small shelly fossils. i’m thinking about devoting the next 5 years of my life to them. i’m also thinking about devoting the next 5 years of my life to making a mockumentary on the scientific community, all the while pretending to be a part of it. tough choice: small shelly fossils or betrayal?

maybe i’ll just have a bunch of babies.

this is a horrible thing to say, but here i go anyway. didn’t all of mongolia’s livestock die last summer? that would have been the perfect time for you to go. and, at least according to dania, mongolians love salad. i’ll scope things out for you.

no need to say anything to amos. i just wear exclusively harvard apparel. even to bed. every time he looks at me he’s reminded.

Why have I bothered to reprint this email? Besides the obvious awesomeness of it, our protagonist is in need of help. Your help! Please give your advice as to what she should do by answering the following poll:

What should she do?

View Results

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I thank you, and Franklin thanks you.

Please Note, The results of this poll will in no way affect global warming, unless you choose answer 3.

Writing — 2 Comments
2
Dec 10

In Which I Get To Be Hector

An actual gchat conversation. All names have been changed to protect the guilty.*

paris: you watched the wire recently?

ive seen it like 5 times

hector: all five seasons five times?

or five episodes?

paris: all seasons 5 times

lol

hector: yeah, well it’s fantastic

i just watched the final episode

paris: if you look at daniels face when he’s around rhonda, he has that “i love white girls” look all the damn time

the pink nipple fascination

final montage is the greatest

but yes, i agree, the wire is the greatest

imdb gives it a 9.7, higher than sopranos

making it the best show ever, behind david attenborough narrated planet earth

hector: i’ve never watched the sopranos.

i assume it sucks

paris: sopranos? lol

it’s also excellent

required watching, in my book

quintessential mob drama

hector: well, i might give it a try now.

paris: it’s like watching 6 seasons of the godfather

hector: i’ve got nothing to do with my life now that i’ve finished the wire

paris: hahaha

except watching it 4 more times

also, i liked inception

i didnt care about the plot holes at all

the ending was just a blur of nonsense

hector: don’t get me started on inception.

it’s dead to me

paris: however, the movie itself is the dream, and the audience is the dreamer

movie theaters = dreamlike

dark, nothing but you and the screen

hector: if that’s the case, i’m having a dull dream with a crap story and no character development

paris: dream within a dream within a dream! ten layers of dreaming!

hector: i totally understand your point. it could very well be nolan’s intention, to say the whole movie is a dream

but the movie is still crap story telling

paris: yes, but to say that is to say that over 95% of all movies are crap story telling

which they are

so it’s a redundant point

oh im a father now, too

more crap story telling

hector: i heard

paris: babies start off at level 0

hector: congrats

paris: total n00bs

my baby probably has like 10 xp now

hector: babies are stupid. good luck with yours

paris: had to teach him how to suck at my girl’s nipples

i thought they knew automatically, but no

also, i didnt know babies cant smile

until like… 1+ months

hector: that’s a true fact.

it’s learned behavior

paris: lol

interesting, to say the least

my kid takes like ten shits a day

mroe than that

im changing diapers half my non-work hours

im fucking wiped out

hector: thanks. i always enjoy reminders of why i don’t want kids

paris: how are things in gayjing

hector: gay

less gay now that odysseus left

paris: lol

his gay gene is recessive, but still awkwardly present

hector: so true

paris: i saw him in nyc a couple of times this year

pretty magical

hector: is he really going to school?

paris: yeah

hector: i always expected he was lying.

paris: postbac premed shit

hector: it was a front for something

paris: trying to get into med school

i saw him organic chem books lying around

hector: but i couldn’t figure out what it was a front for

paris: haha he’s trying to get an MD i guess

it’s going to be a magical day when he can prescribe me things

hector: oh, everything makes sense now.

paris: he’ll be in school for another year or two

hector: he’s in school to get you meds sometime in teh distant future

paris: and IF he gets into med school, another… 6?

he’ll basically be 40 before he finishes

not to mention residency and all that

wish my dad was willing to send me to school for another decade

that would be the best

Please note: All gchat conversations are the exclusive property of Google, Inc.

*Fuck the innocent

Writing — 2 Comments
29
Apr 10

I Am So Angry At This Baby

This photo is not for the faint of heart:

If you are thinking about having a child, I hope this photograph will make you think better of it.

I’m not too happy with this rabbit either:

It is time for Congress to discuss expanding hate crimes legislation to include cookies and peanut butter. Their oppression at the hands of babies and rabbits should not be allowed to continue.

Please note: this blog post was written while fleeing from peanut butter toting babies.

Writing — No Comments
26
Dec 09

Merry Baby Christmas

It is with great risk to my personal safety that I bring you this latest warning. After my last post about babies, two gun toting toddler thugs paid me a visit. They gifted me to some broken ribs and two black eyes before warning me I’d better stop posting about babies if I knew what was good for me.

Either I don’t know what’s good for me, or it’s worth the risk to warn you about the danger.

The Baby Collective has produced a new documentary to further bolster their reputation. They know the key to success in their plot to take over the world rests in winning the battle for public opinion.

Be warned. Everyone has to do their part to stop their diabolical machinations. Otherwise, it won’t be long until we are over run by babies.

Writing — 6 Comments
6
Dec 09

Babies!

babygunWe thought the danger came from something sinister and 21st century like H1N1 or Al Gore. But it turns out the real threat to our way of life comes from a hazard that has been around since the beginning of humanity.

Babies.

And the saddest part is we cannot plead ignorance. We were warned.

Jonathan Swift urged English parliament to pass a law requiring everyone to eat their babies. He called it A Modest Proposal because he knew there would still be lots of French and Chinese babies to threaten the world. But you have to start somewhere.

Mark Twain urged the army to do something about all the babies in this 1879 speech to the Tennessee Army. Unfortunately they assumed he was being satirical.

Our own parents–who themselves had babies, and thus know about the dangers–repeatedly warned us that we should not make any babies because they would ruin our lives.

So why do people keep having babies? Do we think that because they are mindless food receptacles incapable of dressing themselves they do not pose a threat? The same argument could be used about zombies, and yet they still managed to murder Bill Murray*.

Science has discovered babies in even the most extreme environments. They cling to life more assiduously than cockroaches or The Simpsons.

Here are some simple rules for protecting yourself from the baby plague:

  1. Avoid making eye contact with babies
  2. Do not feed babies
  3. If babies are crying in the middle of the night, do not go to comfort them. This will only spoil them
  4. Babies generally come color coded. (Blue for males, Pink for females) Do not allow them to mix. They procreate every chance they get.
  5. If you are being attacked by a baby, try to evade its line of sight for even a moment. Babies do not have object permanence. They will think you no longer exist.

Please forward this warning to everyone you know. Only by working together can we avoid the coming baby apocalypse.

*Bill Murray was not murdered by zombies, in the movie Zombieland, or in real life.

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