Posts Tagged: Aragorn

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17
Feb 12

Why LOTR Sucks: Fuck!

Turns out I totally fucking forgot about Liv Tyler. The movie isn’t over yet. But it does seem to have completely transitioned into slow motion. Even the music has slowed down.

Here are some of my most recent gripes:

The speech Aragorn gives after his coronation is totally lame. He’s got a bigger stick up his ass than Elrond does.

The elf extras are all ugly. I think Peter Jackson just asked his cousins to fill in so he could save his money. I now have zero interest in dating an elf. Well, except maybe for Will Ferrell.

The funniest part is when Aragorn says to the hobbits, “You bow to no one.” It maybe the greatest line since Patrick Swayze said, “Nobody puts Baby in a corner.”

The movie has definitely slowed down, what with all the slow motion, but it’s finally over.

Minutes Watched: 3.3:47.32

Number of Montages: 17

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 126

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17
Feb 12

Why LOTR Sucks: 300

Maybe Aragorn would have been better served watching another DVD, Frank Miller’s 300. Then he would have known that he should have attacked the orcs while they were bottlenecked in the gateway, rather than just waiting for them to surround their army on all sides.

It should also be noted that all the horses just disappeared from both armies, and everyone is on foot. I guess Sauron used his magic 8-ball eye to make all the horses disappear.

This scene is so poorly done, it seems silly I have to even point it out. Did no one else notice that during this battle, not only did the horses disappear, not only did Gandalf and Aragorn cede the advantage they had, but the actual terrain changed? They were lined up for battle on a bit of an incline, but when the orcs surround them, this incline has disappeared. What were you thinking, Academy voters?

Minutes Watched: 3.3:23.13

Number of Montages: 17

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 68

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17
Feb 12

Why LOTR Sucks: Freeeeedom!!!!!!!!

It’s pretty obvious that Aragorn just recently watched the DVD of Braveheart. He certainly picked up some tips on how to give a rousing battle speech. The only thing missing is mooning some orcs.

If you pay attention closely, you’ll see that the army rides up on horses. Then when they are going into battle, they don’t have horses. When the orcs are first seen coming through the gate, they don’t have any horses. Yet, when they begin their charge, the orcs now have horses. I guess they stole them from the Gondor army (This was first pointed out to me by this website).

Minutes Watched: 3.3:21.38

Number of Montages: 17

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 68

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17
Feb 12

Why LOTR Sucks: The Mouth Of Sauron

It seems to me Aragorn could have just gotten the guy to a dentist, rather than chopping off his head. I suppose he probably had some bad breath as well, and he just couldn’t take the smell.

Minutes Watched: 3.3:19.40

Number of Montages: 17

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 68

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12
Feb 12

Why LOTR Sucks: Huh?

Aragorn reveals himself to Sauron in the Palantir. Then Sauron shows him Liv Tyler. She looks like she is sleeping. This seems to upset Aragorn, who for some reason drops his little glass necklace thingy that is very important to him. It breaks.

End of Scene.

Minutes Watched: 3.3:07.36

Number of Montages: 17

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 67

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12
Feb 12

Why LOTR Sucks: The Worst Kind Of Misogyny

The ruination of Eowyn is finally complete. Her character has been completely stripped of all heroism. She is the one that killed the witch-king, the same witch-king that no man could kill, and yet now she’s about to be trampled by the lame*, half-dead orc that is stumbling towards her as she helplessly writhes on the ground. Thankfully, a real man of a hero comes to her rescue. Aragorn comes charging from kilometers away and just happens to kill the orc and saves Eowyn.

Way to go, Peter Jackson.

Minutes Watched: 3.2:50.58

Number of Montages: 17

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 67

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*lame in both the literal and figurative sense

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11
Feb 12

Why LOTR Sucks: The Cutting Room Floor

I hope the scene where Aragorn shouts at the captain of the passing ships* was cut out of the theatrical version. Because it sucks.

Minutes Watched: 3.2:08.43

Number of Montages: 17

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 58

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*Aragorn orders the ships not to pass, speaking in a normal indoor voice. They hear him fine from a hundred yards away. They laugh at him. Aragorn tells Legolas to fire a warning shot with his bow. Although this is a ridiculous idea, Legolas agrees, but Gimli hits the bow and causes the arrow to strike someone standing right next to the captain. This pisses off everyone on the boat, but when Gimli tells them to prepare to be boarded, everyone laughs again. Someone says, “By you and whose army?” Then Aragorn acts very smug, and says, “This army,” and then the ghost army appears from behind him. Slam!

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9
Feb 12

Why LOTR Sucks: Sweet Jesus

Peter Jackson just crammed in three slow motion close-ups of Aragorn crying. Perfect! We might make it to 100 after all.

Minutes Watched: 3.1:58.43

Number of Montages: 17

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 58

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Film/Video — 1 Comment
9
Feb 12

Why LOTR Sucks: The Avalanche Of Skulls

There are a lot of things wrong with the scene where Aragorn and his companions walk the paths of the dead. The whole conversation is jilted and preposterous. Gimli is reduced to a quivering coward. The Dead prove to be just as big of dicks as if they were alive.

But nothing is as bad as the randomly inserted avalanche of skulls. Someone even made a webcomic about the absurdity.

I suppose Peter Jackson thought he was adding drama.

Minutes Watched: 3.1:57.39

Number of Montages: 17

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 55

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7
Feb 12

Why LOTR Sucks: Raising The Stakes

In the industry, raising the stakes means you have to make sure your story matters. What’s at stake for the characters? Why will the audience be drawn into the action?

Peter Jackson has just raised the stakes for us, because, you know, Tolkien didn’t do enough. The fate of the world and the fall of man wasn’t going to cut it. Nor was the life of four hobbits.

Now we have to worry about Liv Tyler dying, because her fate is tied to the Ring as well. OMG Aragorn. Don’t let Liv Tyler die. I will h8 u 4ever!!!

Minutes Watched: 3.1:43.03

Number of Montages: 17

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 55

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