Writing — No comments
01
Apr 12

It’s A Matter Of Having The Right Temperament

I think I would have made a good slave owner.

I would have been firm but fair. I would only punish you when you deserved to be punished. For instance, if you were slacking in the fields or angered me with your insolence. I would have looked after your children as if they were related to me by blood. If you tried to escape, I wouldn’t whip you so hard as to permanently injure you. That would have been illogical. You’re my property after all and I invested at least a couple hundred dollars in your purchase.

Now, you might think my suggestion that I’d make a good slave owner is racist, but I wouldn’t be particular about what race my slaves were. Whether they were Africans or Asians or Eastern Europeans, or even poor white people that were trapped in debtor’s prison, it wouldn’t matter. I’d let anybody work my plantation if they’re doing it for one meal a day.

Yes, if someone asked me what time period I’d like to visit in a time machine, my first question would be if the time machine was being driven by slaves. You can’t expect me to drive myself.

Please Note: If you are reading this, it is a legally binding contract. I now own you. Please report to my plantation immediately for your first whipping.

Writing — No comments
30
Mar 12

A Hero Among Primates

In a look at the not so recent news, have you seen this story from Ohio, about a rampage of escaped zoo animals?

Can you imagine? 50 wild animals, most of them dangerous carnivores, roaming through the local community. The only thing stopping total animal-on-man carnage is a crack team of Barney Fifes on a shooting spree. It must have been their dream come true to have their chance at bagging some African game.

Amidst this Doolittlean blood bath, one monkey is the sole survivor. This hardy primate, stricken with Hepatitis B, somehow managed to elude all predators, whether man or jungle cat, and is now officially classified as a fate unknown. He ranks right up there with Amelia Earhart or Adolph Hitler as far as mysterious demises go.

Now mind you, nowhere in the article does it explain how this poor little monkey contracted Hep B. Was he a naughty monkey, the kind that liked to sleep around and have unprotected sex? Was he the victim of macabre experiments by his demented, mad scientist owner, who finally bowed down to the weight of his guilt and killed himself? We’ll never know, because that’s the kind of journalists they are at Fox News*

I’d like to think that little monkey is still out there someplace, leading his monkey life, doing his monkey thing. Maybe he found a gig as an organ grinder. Or perhaps he’s doing commercial work for Career Builder.

Because when you think about it, it’s probably the best excuse I could give my wife for why my doctor just diagnosed me with Hepatitis B.

*Fox News: “We’re not in the answering questions business.”

Please Note, No animals were harmed in the writing of this blog post.

Writing — No comments
21
Mar 12

If Jesus Returned To Earth In 2012, He Would Look Like Michael Bay, And He Would Make Movies Like Michael Bay

He would also be a Republican, his truck would have four wheel drive, and he would drink Budweiser*.

Please Note, this blog has not seen Transformers 3, but we imagine it’s a spectacular cross of Pearl Harbor and giant robots. Fuck yeah, giant robots!

*The fact that he would be American goes without saying.

Film/Video — No comments
12
Mar 12

Twittawho? Twittawhat?

I’ve been doing a lot of tweetering lately. Tweeter is a short message platform that lets you announce to the world what you’ve been having for dinner and how often you poop. I don’t really know how to use it. I just yell at Siri and like a good robot servant she translates my curses into 140 character diatribes and posts them to the world.

I recently heard that you can make a lot of money on Tweeter. I like money, so I figured it was time to figure out what exactly it’s all about. That’s when I came across a new documentary called Twittamentary. This groundbreaking work of interactive narrative shows how Tweeter has changed the lives of business owners, the homeless, prostitutes, superheroes, lizards.

I highly recommend it to anyone who is big into the social networking thing.

Full Disclosure: I nor anyone I am related to by blood has any stake in the Twittamentary, Tweeter, or Social Networks, though my mother insists that Mark Zuckerberg is my second cousin thrice removed on my father’s side. Unfortunately, he refuses to return my phone calls so I don’t know who to believe.

Film/Video — No comments
11
Mar 12

Why LOTR Sucks: You Will Be Forced To Admit I’m Right

It’s taken me a long time to write this post. I had wanted to find closure right away but maybe what I really needed was anesthesia. I needed to pretend I could wake up and it had all been a nightmare. There was no Peter Jackson Lord of the Rings. Or if there was, it wasn’t a godawful travesty.

You know how sometimes in a dream, you feel like everyone is laughing at you. You showed up to school naked, or you’re playing football but have forgotten how to move. That’s what the Lord of the Rings has become for me. This living nightmare, where I’m the only one who realizes what a bad movie it is. This blogging experiment was an attempt to quantify what exactly is wrong with these movies, which I think I’ve done, and to try and figure out what everyone else sees in them, which is still a mystery to me.

I’d like to forget these movies exist, or failing that, just remember the good parts. I’d like to think the Hobbit, part one of which comes out this year, will be a masterpiece, and Peter Jackson has learned from his mistakes. But he may not even know he made any mistakes. The trilogy made millions, probably billions, of dollars, and won countless academy awards. Peter Jackson is a hero. Peter Jackson can do no wrong. Peter Jackson hasn’t made even a half way decent movie since and shouldn’t that fucking tell you something? He’s not a good story teller. He butchered my favorite books of all time, he made an awful remake of a beloved classic, and he’s hoping that by directing the Hobbit he’ll be back on top again. And it will probably work.

I would like to say that I will avoid the Hobbit, but I know I won’t be able to resist. The fact I tortured myself with this rewatching of the Lord of the Rings tells you everything you need to know. I enjoy the pain.

But if I’ve done one bit of good, it’s this: I defy anyone to read through this blog and ever be able to enjoy the Lord of the Rings in the same way again. You won’t be able to do it. You’ll tell yourself that I’m all wrong, but when you see Frodo crying in slow motion for the 50th time, or you see Liv Tyler mooning for the camera, you’ll realize that I was right. These movies suck.

Film/Video — No comments
18
Feb 12

Why LOTR Sucks: You Won’t Believe This

But according to the two words of text on my screen, the editors, producers, studio execs, family members, and everyone else associated in any way with the making of the Lord of the Rings have gotten together for an intervention and forced Peter Jackson to finally, at long last, end the movie.

I can’t help but cry a little.*

Minutes Watched: 3.4:01.31

Number of Montages: 17

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 138

Start at the beginning

Film/Video — No comments
17
Feb 12

Why LOTR Sucks: Finally

Damn you, Peter Jackson. Just when you thought the credits would roll, he added another 10 minutes. I think every single frame had crying hobbits in it. It goes without saying the entire scene was shot in slow motion.

I think I know why it won best picture. No one actually sat through all 4 hours. The entire academy just assumed it must be a good movie. I may in fact be the first person to ever actually sit through the entire extended edition of all three movies.

Minutes Watched: 3.4:00.05

Number of Montages: 17

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 138

Start at the beginning

Film/Video — No comments
17
Feb 12

Why LOTR Sucks: And On And On And On And On

Nope, still not over. And Frodo just warned us, with what I think was ominous music in the background, that it’s still got room for a little more.

Excuse me. I need to check if euthanasia is legal here.

Minutes Watched: 3.3:52.19

Number of Montages: 17

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 126

Start at the beginning

Film/Video — No comments
17
Feb 12

Why LOTR Sucks: Now It’s Over

I jumped the gun, but now it’s over. Just had to make sure we saw Sam get married. No one cried, which was a surprise. But maybe all the hobbits are too pissed to cry, because none of their taller friends bothered to come to the wedding. Sure, everyone was their friend when they needed them to save the world, but now that Sauron’s dead, it’s like, “We’d love to come to the wedding, but we’re too busy what with the holidays and all.” Typical.

Minutes Watched: 3.3:50.30

Number of Montages: 17

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 126

Start at the beginning

Film/Video — No comments
17
Feb 12

Why LOTR Sucks: Fuck!

Turns out I totally fucking forgot about Liv Tyler. The movie isn’t over yet. But it does seem to have completely transitioned into slow motion. Even the music has slowed down.

Here are some of my most recent gripes:

The speech Aragorn gives after his coronation is totally lame. He’s got a bigger stick up his ass than Elrond does.

The elf extras are all ugly. I think Peter Jackson just asked his cousins to fill in so he could save his money. I now have zero interest in dating an elf. Well, except maybe for Will Ferrell.

The funniest part is when Aragorn says to the hobbits, “You bow to no one.” It maybe the greatest line since Patrick Swayze said, “Nobody puts Baby in a corner.”

The movie has definitely slowed down, what with all the slow motion, but it’s finally over.

Minutes Watched: 3.3:47.32

Number of Montages: 17

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 126

Start at the beginning

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