The only thing that’s missing is a cute kitten stuck inside a box.
Writing
22
Jan 12
This Is The Kind Of Shit That Gets The Internet Off
16
Jan 12
I Want To Be A Paladin
I just recently learned that Wizards of the Coast is initiating another money grab with a new edition of its popular role playing game Dungeons & Dragons. For those of you who have never played*, it’s a game where you dress up like Orcs and throw weirdly shaped dice at opponents’ heads until they pass out. Anyway, that’s what I’ve heard. I’ve never actually played myself.
This may seem like good news for geeks and trolls, but in reality this is ridiculous bullshit. Wizards of the Coast just released its fourth edition in 2008, and it was widely panned for its inconsistent quality and emphasis on game mechanics rather than role playing. Now, less than four years later, players are expected to invest in an entirely new edition just because WotC wants more of your money.
Except this time, they are asking for player feedback to help them write the new rules. Brilliant.
So, Wizards of the Coast, this is what we want to see in the new edition:
- The Paladin should obviously be the most powerful character, because no one could ever defeat a paladin.
- I want there to be lots and lots of rules, because there’s nothing more fun for someone playing a Paladin than to get to nitpick about the rules.
- I want halflings to be called hobbits, and I want all wizard characters to be named either Gandalf or Dumbledore.
- I want Rich Burlew of Order of the Stick to sketch a portrait of every one of my player characters, and to include them in his comic.
- I want there to be more dinosaurs, because who doesn’t dream about fighting a T-rex with nothing but chain mail and a sword.
- I want it to be cool to play Dungeons and Dragons again. If you have to blackmail Zac Efron into becoming a celebrity endorser using naked photographs of him snorting blow off the stomach of a dead prostitute with relics of a satanic ritual in the background**, just do what you have to do. You have my blessing.
Please note: This blog is a level 13 Paladin. Just because the blog has a few curses doesn’t mean it’s not still lawful good.
*Or at least those of you who won’t admit to playing.
**I know you’ve got Satanic relics. It’s Dungeons and Dragons!
9
Jan 12
My Avocados Are Missing
Have you ever wondered why avocados are so expensive? Maybe you thought it was because they are imported all the way from Mexico. Except that thanks to NAFTA, all our cocaine and avocados should be dirt cheap now.
No, the reason avocados are like 3 bucks a pop (at least where I live) will surprise you: The babies are taking them. The same babies that are plotting with the democrats to destroy our way of life.
Babies love avocados. This is a true fact. And they are stealing them right from under our noses.
Let this be a warning to all you babies out there. If you try and steal another one of my avocados, I will kick you. My lawyer tells me this is perfectly legal.*
Please Note: This blog does not advocate buying drugs from Mexico. Buy American Drugs! Go USA!
*Although my lawyer has a notoriously spotty track record, I trust him on this one. I mean it’s just common sense, right?
29
Dec 11
The Top 8 Most Anticipated Blog Posts Of 2012
What are you most looking forward to in the coming year? The Super Bowl in Indianapolis? The never-ending election coverage? Trailer #2 for The Hobbit?
Whatever your answer, I’m sure it includes reading The Chaos Factory. We have lots of promising new content coming out in the next calendar year, and we’re pleased to give you a sneak peak of all the fun:
#8 Ugg Boots
Since its inception, The Chaos Factory has been about one thing more than any other: Ugg Boots. We’ve compiled thousands of photos over the past 4 years, and we’ll be posting them all in one blowout extravaganza of boots. If you love Uggs, and the fact that you are reading this blog tells me that you do, you’ll love this post.
When to expect it: Early March
#7 Interview With Barack Obama
Normally, a presidential interview would rank higher, but seeing as Obama’s doomed to be a one termer, it’s not that big of deal.
When to expect it: Late October
#6 Live Updates On My Life
It seems people can’t get enough of my daily life. When I published my daily routine, site traffic went through the roof and I had to add a second server to handle it all*. To keep up with the demand, I’ll be posting more frequent updates on my daily life, including photos of what I’m eating, descriptions of my mood swings, detailed accounts of what I think at all times, etc. Be sure to follow my Twitter feed with up to the minute updates of my most recent blog posts.
When to expect it: Every day, starting January 1st
#5 Coverage Of The 27th Annual Paint Drying Competition
Every August, The Chaos Factory makes its way to Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan for the annual Paint Drying Competition, where the best competitors in the world gather to watch paint dry. This year, the featured color is Silhouette Gray.
When to expect it: Mid-August
#4 Poetry
The Chaos Factory has a new intern, 15-year-old Sarah Jeffries, and she’ll be sharing her latest poems on a regular basis. Topics will include why Jesse Eisenberg would make the best boyfriend, how much adults suck, love, death, and algebra class.
When to expect it: As Sarah sees fit
#3 Reread Of The Bible
The world’s greatest piece of literature, reread and blogged about. There will be charts to keep track of all the genealogies, long diatribes–with plenty of footnotes–explaining away all of the inconsistencies, and plenty of action as things start to heat up in the New Testament**. I’m especially looking forward to reading Leviticus.
When to expect it: Easter
#2 Breaking News On Unspecified Scandal
At some point in the next year, I will be the first blogger to publish a shocking scandal that will grab the world’s attention. I will cite several unnamed sources to corroborate the story. The scandal will be so startling that it will overwhelm the Internet. People will talk about this scandal on Twitter, post updates on Facebook, and read about it on the cover of People and US magazines. Jay Leno will do a particularly unfunny bit about the scandal in between his first and second guest. People will speculate about the career of the person at the center of the scandal, and many will condemn the lack of a contrite apology. After several weeks, people’s attention will turn to another, equally shocking scandal.
When to expect it: Sometime in 2012
#1 Coming Attractions in 2013
My favorite moment of 2012 comes when I predict what will be my favorite moments of 2013.
When to expect it: Late December
Please Note, this blog post expires at midnight on December 31st, 2011
*Most of this traffic came from James Franco
**Spoiler Alert: Jesus dies before the end
20
Dec 11
Don’t Be A Pansy
I’m reading another Murakami book, this time What I Talk About When I Talk About Running. It is a memoir about…well, running.
I’m only three chapters in but I felt compelled to write my review now rather than wait till i’m finished, because I just have to write about this immediately. I was particularly struck by this quote on p. 46*:
Whenever I feel like I don’t want to run, I always ask myself the same thing: You’re able to make a living as a novelist, working at home, setting your own hours, so you don’t have to commute on a packed train or sit through boring meetings. Don’t you realize how fortunate you are? (Believe me, I do.) Compared to that, running an hour around the neighborhood is nothing, right? Whenever I picture packed trains and endless meetings, this gets me motivated all over again and I lace up my running shoes and set off without any qualms. If I can’t manage this much, I think, it’ll serve me right.
I have the same sentiment about biking in Beijing. Every time I think it might be too cold to bike, I think about the old people who have no choice but to bike every day**. So many people are out biking in subzero temperatures, and they don’t even own gloves or hats. They must be dying, especially when the wind gets up, but there they are, biking along as stoically as can be.
If these people have to bike every day, then I certainly can too, with my expensive winter coat and gloves. Don’t be a pansy. That’s my motto. Except when it comes to Disney movies. And Harry Potter trailers.
Please Note, this blog does not mean to suggest that Murakami is a pansy. You on the other hand, probably are.
*All things being relative, citing the page number is relatively useless.
** They don’t have any choice about being old either. Cold and old. Is there a worse combination? If there is, I bet it doesn’t rhyme.
16
Dec 11
The Complete Guide To Romance
Ask someone what it means to be romantic and their response will probably include some combination of flowers, candlelit dinners, and diamond rings. I am here to tell you this is NOT romantic.
As I’ve grown tired of people claiming I’m somehow lacking in romance, when in fact I am the most romantic person you can imagine, I’ve decided to give a quick tutorial on what is and is not romantic.
Let’s begin with a short quiz:
1. What’s the most romantic day of the year?
2. How much money do you have to spend on someone to be romantic?
We’ll find the answers below, but let’s first look at the history of the word romantic. Romance originated as a French word, and was at first used to mean a heroic story. Sometime in the 1660′s, the meaning shifted to refer specifically to a love story. Thus, the word romantic quite literally meant to emulate an ideal romance as depicted in literature.
Today, we generally use the word to describe someone who behaves in a very loving, amorous manner, who is not afraid to make a grand gesture visibly expressing his or her love. Perhaps some people may disagree with me, but I believe the key attribute of someone behaving in a romantic way is the sentiment behind it. Going through the show of romancing someone only to find out their was some ulterior motive would necessarily strip the act of any true romance.
The idea of the romantic lover must also be contrasted with the capital R Romantic, a movement that contended strong emotion was the authentic source of the aesthetic experience. The modern sense of a romantic character may be best expressed in the Byronic ideals of a gifted, perhaps misunderstood loner, creatively following the dictates of his inspiration rather than the standard mores of contemporary society.
Whereas the romantic lover is an idealization of the courtship between a man and a woman*, the Romantic movement seeks to interpret the relationship between the individual and society. But both concepts of the romantic rely on the same fundamental principle: the sincerity and depth of the emotion determines whether the person is a true romantic.
So how do you become a romantic? The key is completely ignoring what everyone else thinks is romantic and following your own heart. In much the same way you can’t be cool by trying emulate other people, you can’t be romantic if you are reading greeting cards and watching diamond commercials.
Many of you probably thought the answer to question number one was Valentine’s Day. I cannot think of a less romantic day of the year. Others might have said your anniversary or your lover’s birthday. Wrong again.
The most romantic day of the year is today. That’s right. If you’re in love, truly in love, then why wait for a certain, particular occasion to express that love. Today is the best day to show your significant other how much you love them. No gift, no romantic gesture, is more appreciated than the unexpected one. If you are buying someone flowers because every one else is buying flowers, then is it really romantic? Contracts, social or otherwise, are NEVER romantic.
What about the question of money? Diamond companies, chocolate manufacturers, the folks who make those big stuffed teddy bears all have a vested interest in convincing us that the amount of money we spend is directly related to how much we love them. Of course, money has absolutely nothing to do with love. Did Jesus Christ love the world less because he was poor?**
Here’s a little quote from Fiona Apple that summarizes how I feel about diamonds:
I don’t understand about
Diamonds and why men buy them
What’s so impressive about a diamond
Except the mining?
Nothing could be less romantic then spending a bunch of money on a diamond for someone.
The true defining currency of romance is always TIME, not money. The more TIME you spend on someone, the more you love them. The more effort you make in trying to romance someone, the more romantic the gesture. Money might be involved, but it’s always besides the point. Instead of buying someone a card, make the card. Instead of purchasing a bouquet of flowers, go dig a garden in your backyard, plant some seeds, spray a little fertilizer, water it regularly, and in six months, present your very own homegrown bouquet. That’s romance.
One last note. Romancing someone who doesn’t want to be romanced in return is not romantic. It’s called stalking. It’s scary and gross. Don’t do it.
Okay folks, I’ve got to go. I’m about to write a lovely email to my girlfriend telling her how much I love her. Just because I feel like it.
Please Note, This blog is a registered trademark of Hallmark Greeting Card Co. All rights reserved.
*The Supreme Court has on numerous occasions defended the sanctity of true love as existing between a man and a woman. At least that’s what my Republican Congressman says.
**My Bible tells me that the opposite is in fact true.
14
Dec 11
In Which I Get To Be Tristan
An actual conversation. All names have been changed to protect the guilty.
Isolde: Pick which movie you want to watch, Cinderella, or Ariel.
Tristan: It doesn’t matter, you choose.
Isolde: Just pick one, Cinderella or Ariel.
Tristan: Cinderella
Isolde: Ok, now pick between Cinderella and Jasmine.
Tristan: Jasmine.
[Pause]
Isolde: Let’s watch Robin Hood then.
Please Note, This blog takes no responsibility for comments made by Tristan or Isolde. Everybody knows that Beauty and the Beast is the best Disney movie.
9
Dec 11
Carl Picasso: Not Awesome
If I were to have a son (and I think my policy about children is pretty clear by now*), I am quite sure I couldn’t go wrong in naming him Pablo. Pablo is a name that indicates what an awesome individual you are. Pablo is the name of someone destined for greatness. Tell me one Pablo that wasn’t awesome. You can’t. I rest my case.
Carl Picasso is a name for someone destined to be living in a tent at Occupy Wall Street, because he can’t get a paying job and wants to whine about it.
*I have no interest in raising a child. I have too many important things to do. But if a lesbian couple is interested in using my DNA, then let’s talk.
Please Note, this blog does not wish to hear about why you are crying.
7
Dec 11
This Is Your Secret Sauce
Some people might suggest that Adolf is the worst name. Who wants to be named after Hitler, am I right? But the name itself is not the problem. It’s more correct to say that Hitler was the worst person, therefore no one wants to be his namesake.
When it comes to names in and of themselves, there can be no debate about what name is the worst. I mean, how can people still be naming babies Carl? Are people having so many babies that they are running out of names? How many times are people having the following conversation:
Well, it’s either Carl, or Adolf.
I guess it has to be Carl, may God have mercy on his soul.
And is there a worse fast food restaurant than Carl Jr? White Castle is better. Jollybee is better. Anything is better than Carl Jr. With that in mind, I am now going to reveal the top secret recipe to Carl Jr’s flame-broiled Famous Star:
1 sesame-seed hamburger bun
2 onion rings
1/2 teaspon sweet pickle relish
1 1/2 teaspoons catsup
1/4 pound ground beef
Dash salt
2 teaspoon mayonnaise
3 dill pickle slices
1/4 cup coarsley chopped lettuce
2 tomato slices
1. Preheat a clean barbecue grill on high. (The cleaner the barbecue, the less likely the beef patty will pick up other flavors left on the grill.)
2. Toast both halves of the bun, face down, in a skillet over medium heat. Set aside.
3. Cut each of the onion rings into quarters.
4. Mix the catsup and relish together. This is your secret sauce.
5. Form the ground beef into a thin patty slightly larger than the bun.
6. Grill the meat for 2 or 3 minutes per side. Salt lightly.
7. Build the burger in the following stacking order from the bottom up:
- bottom bun
- half of the mayonnaise
- pickles
- lettuce
- tomato slices
- onion
- beef patty
- remainder of mayonnaise
- special sauce (catsup and relish)
- top bun
When the lawsuits start rolling in, I hope I can count on your support.
Please Note, the previous recipe is not in any way vegan
5
Dec 11
The Worst Name
Photo by @ingridtaylar
I went to college with a guy named Carl. He was from Chicago, and lived in some kind of medieval castle next to Mr. T’s house. I visited once. His mom had 8 cats when I was there, and they overwhelmed the house like the stench from a rotting corpse. Now I hear they have more than 30 cats.
Carl was one weird dude. One day at dinner, he took a look at his glass of milk, then announced, “Don’t you think it’s weird that we drink cow piss?” He wasn’t joking. His entire life, he had thought that milk was cow urine.
Another time, he informed everyone that he had never tasted ketchup or mustard. When asked why, he said, “Because if I try them, I will probably like them, and then that’s one more thing I have to worry about.” When you think about it, that’s actually pretty sound advice.
In any case, the point is, Carl is the worst name.
Please Note, this blog does not in any way wish to insult anyone, unless of course your name happens to be Carl.
