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5
Feb 12

Talk About A Fucked Up Timeline

We cut away from the surprise ambush to Pippin lighting the warning beacon at Gandalf’s behest. He manages it, and we get a montage of all the beacons being lit, one more excuse to show off New Zealand scenery.

Then we cut to Rohan, and Aragorn sees the beacon and warns the king. It’s decided they will heed the call. Three days of preparations ensue, and then they ride off to war. Six minutes of film time elapse.

Cut back to the ambush.

What?

Minutes Watched: 3.1:10.39

Number of Montages: 16

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 53

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5
Feb 12

I Know Orcs Are Dumb, But…

…can someone explain to me why they are trying to ambush the city by boat and yet are carrying lit torches with them?

Minutes Watched: 3.1:04.31

Number of Montages: 15

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 53

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5
Feb 12

Exposition

This is where we really say the failing of Peter Jackson as a filmmaker. He relies far too much on exposition. Here we watch Pippin and Gandalf converse. They summarize the conflict up to this point. There is a voice over montage of Sauron’s gathering army. Gandalf introduces the Witch King, and explains how he can’t be killed. All of this is either unnecessary or would have been better introduced through the action, not this conversation.

Minutes Watched: 3.0:55.44

Number of Montages: 15

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 53

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5
Feb 12

We Are Gonna Need A Montage

The city of Minis Tirith looks awesome. So did the montage of horseback riding across New Zealand.

Minutes Watched: 3.0:44.18

Number of Montages: 14

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 53

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5
Feb 12

The Blade That Was Broken

You know how when a butterfly flaps its wings in China, a baby dies in Canada?* This same principle is at work when you change a story to suit your purpose. The repercussions are felt where you never would have expected.

In order to give Liv Tyler a role in the movie, they needed to make changes. And those changes forced more changes. Now Liv Tyler is the one who decided to reforge the sword that was broken, Isildur’s sword, the one belonging to the heir of Gondor. For whatever reason, the decision to reforge the sword was Liv Tyler’s to make. It makes perfect sense, when you think about it.

My favorite part is when Liv Tyler and Elrond compare notes on the visions they’ve had about the future. They actually argue about it.

“You lied to me about your dream about the future!”

“No, I didn’t lie, I just left one part out.”

Also, add 3 to the total of slow motion close-ups of people crying.

Minutes Watched: 3.0:42.05

Number of Montages: 13

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 53

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*This is Science. Don’t argue with it.

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5
Feb 12

The Pros And Cons Of Having Peter Jackson Write The Screenplay To Your Life

Pro: Never forget what’s important, because he keeps reminding you with flashbacks and clunky dialogue.

Con: Never have a strong sense of self. Your moods will always be at the mercy of the narrative.

Pro: You will always know when something important is happening, because you will be moving in slow motion and crying.

Con: Everybody around you is a total dick, even your friends.

Pro: If you ever need a horse, one will be waiting for you.

Con: Your life will never seem to end.

Pro: The boring parts will be turned into montages.

Con: Lots of boring parts equals lots of montages.

Pro: People love you for no apparent reason.

Con: Liv Tyler.

Minutes Watched: 3.0:37.09

Number of Montages: 13

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 50

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5
Feb 12

Foreshadowing

There’s foreshadowing, and then there’s beating someone over the head and bludgeoning them over and over, all the time repeating, “This is what’s about to happen, this is what’s about to happen!”

I feel like Peter Jackson has just done the latter.

Minutes Watched: 3.0:24.48

Number of Montages: 13

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 50

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5
Feb 12

The End Of Saruman

Is it just me, or is it anytime that Peter Jackson freelances from the novel, the deviations bear a strong resemblance to Star Wars?

Minutes Watched: 3.0:17.05

Number of Montages: 13

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 50

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5
Feb 12

A Bad Beginning

Or should we call it a rebeginning? Or the tribeginning?

Whatever it is, I’m not sure why Peter Jackson feels the need to have all these flashbacks. What do we learn about Gollum? What do we learn about the ring? Not very much. Why have a flashback to show us what Gandalf already told us, unless we are getting something new? Something we didn’t already know. This flashback only makes sense if we didn’t already know how Gollum found the ring.

Of course, perhaps, this being three separate movies, there’s some need to recover old ground. I’m watching them back to back to back, so my demands as a viewer are different from someone watching them a year apart in the theater. Fair enough.

By the way, I’m six minutes in, and I have FOUR hours to go. I really wish I had the theatrical version right now.

Minutes Watched: 3.0:6.26

Number of Montages: 13

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 50

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4
Feb 12

A Word About The Ents

I haven’t said much about Treebeard and the Ents. I was disappointed with their betrayal, but at the same time, I hadn’t been expecting much. Actually, I wouldn’t have been surprised if they had been left out all together. I figured they would be hard to portray, both visually and narratively. Peter Jackson did not do a good job in either regard but I am hard pressed to think how he could have significantly improved on them. The Ents are one of my favorite parts of the novels. They just don’t fit into the movie very well.

So I’ve finally managed to finish the second film. Pretty much everything about it sucked after the opening 20 minutes. Gollum was by far the best part.

Now there’s only one more to go. It’s supposed to be the best of the three. I don’t remember thinking too highly of it. I was actually kind of pissed when it won the Oscar. But it can’t be any worse than The Two Towers.

Right?

Minutes Watched: 2.3:33.48

Number of Montages: 13

Number of slow motion close-ups of people crying: 50

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