This picture of a puppy with sunflowers is included in the hopes that it makes me seem more trustworthy
In my many years of being alive, I’ve gradually come to master the art of what they call “Living Well.” Not only do I believe so, but I am pretty sure it’s the consensus opinion of everyone I know. With that in mind, it’s come time for me to share my insights with the world at large.
Before selecting me as your life manager, you probably want to know what exactly a life manager does. Well, they help you make the important decisions in your life, such as whether to quit your career as an accountant to follow your childhood dream of becoming a stand-up comedian (no, you shouldn’t).
I always tell anyone who listens that life comes down to making choices. The choices we make, from the big life-altering ones to the small, seemingly insignificant ones, are what define us as humans.
That’s where I come in. When faced with those debilitating choices about what to do with your life and what to order off the menu, I can help you parse all the conflicting rationales and hone in on the things that really matter. And I do this based upon your life values, because what’s right for Stefano is not always suitable for John. I’ll take some time to get to know you, inquire about your values and goals, and dial in on where your weaknesses are. I will then decide exactly what you should be doing in every conceivable situation that might arise. You will find life is much easier when you no longer have to worry about making these profound life choices. You just listen to me and act. (I imagine it’s what life is like for people who believe in the Bible.)
But don’t just take my word for it. Here are some testimonials from people whom I’ve helped in the past.
James Franco (Modern Renaissance Man) The good people at Entropy Squared help me make the most important decision of my life. When my career was at a crossroads, they pushed me to go on General Hospital. It’s the best decision I’ve ever made, and I didn’t even make it myself. Thanks Entropy Squared!
Toni Tao (Founder of Beijing Cream) I wish I had listened to Entropy Squared when they told me not to name my blog Beijing Cream. But now it’s too late. The name is on all my underwear now.
Urashima Taro (Fisherman) I don’t really know what Entropy Squared does, because I’m from the 17th century and the Internet confuses me. But they say they will help me get home, so I’m going to trust them.
Feel free to contact me through the contact page. After a careful assessment of your life needs, I’ll quote you a price at which all of your dreams can be realized.*
And if all you’re looking for is some companionship, please don’t respond. Anyone who needs a life coach must be one hell of a loser, so I definitely won’t be hanging out with you on the weekends (unless you’re paying, of course).
*Whoops, that kind of makes me sound like a prostitute. Well, at least I’m a high-priced one.
Check out Decater's new mash-up novel, available exclusively at Amazon. And don't forget about his collection of microfiction, Picasso Painted Dinosaurs, available in online bookstores everywhere.