This afternoon, I totally ate a banana that was sitting on my desk. I mean, I fucking ate it. You might have seen someone eat a banana before. Perhaps you’ve even eaten a banana yourself. But never have you seen a banana get eaten the way I ate this banana.
Seriously, if someone compiled a list of the top five occasions a banana has been eaten, this afternoon would be number one on the list. I mean, that banana is fucking gone. Monkeys can only dream about eating a banana the way I ate this one.
You know what’s ironic? I don’t even like bananas that much. It’s not like I’m a professional. When it comes to eating bananas, I don’t really have that much experience. But when I was eating this banana, it was like I went into the zone. There was no way I wasn’t going to totally eat that banana. It was like I was Hitler, and that banana was the nation of Israel, and Hitler had invented a time machine, and traveled into the future, and saw fucking Israel sitting on his desk.*
In a sad kind of way, I feel like I’ve peaked a little early. I mean, there’s no way I’m ever going to eat a banana as well as I ate that banana today. It kind of hits you hard when you know life is on the down slope, if you know what I mean.
But hey, what are you going to do? That’s life. At least I know that for a few seconds I was the best at something.
*The only problem with this analogy is that it has been well documented that Hitler did not eat bananas.
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